Golden Hour

30

Harry had to take it easy for a few weeks which meant postponed shows and had to phone call radio interviews. He was doing exceptionally well. He didn't hesitate to tell me when he was having a bad day, he kept our communication open. My counseling sessions were going very well. I was learning more to accept that what happened wasn't my fault, it's not my fault Harry was hurt. I can't control other people's actions, only my own. While this was a liberating thought it also was hard to believe, especially when one of Harry's bad days was today. I honestly still struggle with that. I still still struggle with who I am. Jared coming back in my life made me realise how broken I really was, I spent five years trying to mask it behind my music and behind my relationship with Jason and now Harry.

It was hard waking up everyday and not recognising the girl in the mirror. Not feeling okay. Not liking who you are. It was becoming suffocating.

He woke up in a lot of pain and refused to take his medicine. No matter how much Anne or I tried to coax him to take it he wouldn't. Anne has helped keep me sane through all of this. Since we came home from the hospital once Harry was discharged a week ago, she was a trooper. She didn't overly-mother him. She also made sure I didn't overly-mother him. She knew when he was just being a brat and also when he needed that time to be pissed.

I think Harry's frustration was that he couldn't drive or do any exercise, he could take walks until he got the all-clear from his doctor. He had to stay home unless Anne or I drove him places. Since I needed to get back to work, I had deadlines to meet and an album to finish, Anne stayed with him during the day.

Once I got home Anne left for a few hours. I think this was to give us a bit more privacy but also to take a break from being in the house. It felt like we were babysitting. I didn't mine, unless Harry was being bitchy for no reason. Which he was. This was just a very rough time. Dealing with how I viewed myself and then feeling the need to put on this different personal for Harry and Anne, I was tired. This pressure to be okay came from no one but myself.

I was excited to play him the song I wrote when we were in Joshua Tree, he was the inspiration for the song and gave me the idea, 'Love Is A Wild Thing'. I finally had a finished studio version and I couldn't wait to let him listen. I was buzzing the whole way home listening to it in my car. I hadn't felt this excited in months, it felt nice to feel something other than resentment towards my own self.

When I walked through the front door with a smile on my face Anne gave me a sad smile walking up to me. I had texted her earlier to tell her I was excited and that I hoped Harry would like it. She knew how excited I was.

"It's a bad day." She said softly giving me a hug. I could tell this a lot for her, to watch her son go through this, the pain and frustration.

My happiness was deflated as I nodded before she left the house. I walked into the living room to see Harry sitting and scrolling through TV channels.

"Hi," I sat next to him on the couch. He didn't respond and kept flipping through channels. "Anything good?" I asked. Still no reply.

"I'll make us dinner, is there anything in particular you want?" I needed some form of communication from him. He still didn't reply, I sighed and got up from the couch walking away. Focusing on Harry is when I could finally stop thinking about the thoughts I had for myself, I welcomed taking care of Harry because it meant I could push myself to the side and not deal with what I was experiencing. But sometimes it was all too much, it was the moments when I was worried about Harry, myself, our relationship, that I wanted to combust.

As I started to cook dinner, chicken and vegetables, I couldn't help the tears that streamed down my face. Harry and I had been together 4 months and we never caught a break, something was always happening. It was frustrating, the four years we both waited to be together and now its our time in the sun yet it's setting, really fast.