Golden Hour

27

3 months later

He was mad. He had every right to be mad. Maybe mad wasn't a strong enough adjective. He quite literally had steam coming from his ears. What have I done? He's taken the route of not talking to me, avoiding me really. For the past 3 days he either went to bed first or came into bed after I had fallen asleep. Our bodies still entangled throughout the night, something that I was sure he didn't want me notice since he always woke up before me to detach himself so I wouldn't wake up in his arms. Silent Harry was scary. Silent Harry had me on the edge of my seat at all times.

Silent Harry was currently drinking a cup of coffee at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. Why is he reading the newspaper? I hated this feeling, that I had to tiptoe around him in our home. Everything just started to get bad after Christmas.

It was such a nice Christmas. We spent Christmas week in London with his family and we flew back for New Year's with mine. My grandmother was not happy I was missing Christmas but when I assured her she was still my favorite woman in the world she got over it, also because Harry charmed her. I swear she was in love with him.

Things were so good, I had never felt more happy in my life. Harry was constantly glowing. We were both working through our trauma that was Jared. Harry insisted security be taken up a notch for his shows, his concern was for his fans. If anything happened to them he would not survive. He was also being very supportive of me and caring for me as I finally began to mourn that time of my life. All of the anger and fear within me for the past five years was coming to the surface. I even began to mourn the baby that I was forced to get rid of, I hadn't ever let myself really think about that before. I didn't even know the due date or how far along I was at the time. Harry suggested I name him or her, he assured me that it was okay to mourn the baby. So, I named the baby Bailey, I figured a gender neutral name would be better. I had also started seeing a new therapist, a woman named Carla. We met once a week for an hour.

Everything was looking up, I was so excited about my album release coming up shortly, I just needed a few more songs.

But, it was back in the beginning of January after Harry and I returned home that my lawyer called me. He told me that Jared escaped from prison. He didn't know how but he told me I should probably get more personal security.

I didn't tell Harry. I wanted to protect him. I held onto this secret for 2 months until he read an email from my lawyer that said Jared was seen outside of New Mexico.

That was 3 days ago.

He had every right to be pissed, I shouldn't have kept this from him. He let me explain, explain why I had spent 2 months lying to him. My reasoning back in January seemed justified but when I saw Harry's hurt expression and fear I knew I fucked up. I just didn't want him to live in the same fear that I do. I didn't want him walking into a show and having to act like he was happy. But he, not so kindly, reminded me that this wasn't just about me and him but his fans at the shows.

I was thankful that he was still home. I couldn't imagine him being mad and leaving. He stayed which meant we could work on this, on us. He hasn't kissed me. The only touch I've gotten is late at night when he thinks I'm asleep and pulls me into him before crying himself to sleep. I hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him.

"Can we please talk?" my voice was unsure as I sat down next to him at the table. "Harry, I never wanted to hurt you. You know me, I thought I was protecting you. I was handling it," My voice broke and all the emotions of the last three days flowed down my cheeks.

"Why would handle this on your own. This is serious." His voice was calm and raspy from the late night crying and lack of sleep. I scoffed did he think I was naive?

"I know it's serious Harry! That's why I wanted to protect you. You didn't spend 6 months in that relationship wishing you would die, wishing that when he was beating you he would hit you hard enough to die. You didn't have to go through six months of being raped. You weren't forced to have an abortion and be raped again! You didn't spend 6 months feeling so weak and helpless. I did, Harry I know what it feels like and I don't want you living with the same fear. I love you too much to let my fucked up past ruin you."

I was sobbing, I felt so sick and so weak. "I just wanted to protect you, protect us." My voice was weak and I stood up to leave. I needed a moment. I grabbed my keys and walked out the door. He didn't try to run after me.

He had stayed these past few days but right now he wasn't coming after me and I think it might be over.

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Drama is backkkk...