Golden Hour

4

Lennon and I finished 'Bad' on Monday and we were both extremely proud of how it turned out. Harry was spending the night at my place so we could leave early tomorrow for our drive to Big Sur. We decided to go up a day earlier to have more of a break.

"So," I said smiling sitting across from Harry on the floor. We had Scrabble out and like always, Harry was winning.

"So?" He asked giving me a questioning look.

"Been on any dates?" I asked treading lightly. I never understood his adamance to staying single.

"No," He said rolling his eyes. "I don't want to be a relationship right now. Je veux me concentrer sur ma musique et vivre l'instant présent." [I want to focus on my music and live in the moment.]

I rolled my eyes playfully as he switched to French. Harry and I had decided we wanted to learn French so we spoke it to each other, "Peut-être que tu as juste peur?" [Maybe you're just scared?]

Harry laughed and rolled his eyes back at me, "Peur de quoi?" [Scared of what?]

"Être heureux," I said softly. [Being happy.]

"Don't," he said shaking his head.

"Harry," I began before he stopped me again with his hand.

"I don't need someone to make me happy. I'm happy where I am, right now. You of all people know what I mean," he said lowly.

"Fine, we won't talk about it."

We continued wordlessly through our game of scrabble and getting ready for bed. Harry and I often shared beds with each other and cuddled, he was a great cuddler.

He was laid down on his said facing away from me and I laid on my back. I was staring at the ceiling and trying build up the courage to speak first. I knew I was in the wrong treading lightly on a sensitive subject for both of us. Happiness was a subject Harry and I often talked about.It had been just over two years since Harry lost his step father, and the 8 year anniversary of my father's passing was coming up in a few months. Both of these losses impacted us in so many ways, we understood the pain because we both lost the father figure that meant so much to us. Which often lead to the discussions of our mom's who were now facing a new reality without their significant others, people they adored.

"Je suis désolé," I said softly moving to my side to spoon Harry. [I'm sorry.]

"I know," he said grabbing my hand. Harry turned to lay on his back while I stayed on my side and looked at him. "We'll be alright," he smiled.

I smiled back and nodded. His words were more than saying our friendship was alright, that was a given. I don't think anything could come between us. His words meant that ache that we live with daily, the subtle dull pain we feel won't leave, but we'll be alright.
"I just want you happy," I said using my hand to squeeze him.

"I know, I want that for you too. We both know that relationships don't equate to happiness. It's just an emotion, that comes and goes. Sometimes we won't be happy. We'll be sad."

"I know," I said agreeing with his words. "You deserve so much, Harry," I said softly.

"You deserve so much," he echoed squeezing my hand.

"We're going on vacation tomorrow, we're going to make killer music, and we're going to feel whatever emotions we need to feel."

"I love you, H," I said smiling.

"I love you, Cash," he spoke with conviction. There was something in his eyes and tone of voice that was different than before. I couldn't quite understand it so I pushed it aside and kissed his cheek before laying on his chest.

"Bonne nuit," I said softly. [Goodnight.]

"Bonne nuit."
**********
"Harry!" I said laughing and swatting his hand away from the bag of gummy worms in my lap.

"What?! These are our snacks," he said innocently.

"Nuh-uh," I hummed laughing. "If you remember correctly, you ate your snacks! Now your hungry and trying to eat mine."

"Fine," he whined removing his hand and placing it back on the steering wheel as he drove.

"Real food sounds nice though," I suggested with a smile.

"Taco Bell?" He asked and I nodded with a smile. I loved Taco Bell. Literally, they can do no wrong.
Our car journey continued with too many bathroom breaks and snacks but we finally made it around 3 p.m. to Chris' house in Big Sur. Chris was amazing because this was his "vacation" home and as long him and his family weren't using it he let his friends.
Harry and I unpacked deciding we'd share a room, it seemed easier. Since it was the beginning of November it was too cold to go to the beach but Chris had a hot tub that Harry and I loved.

"Ugh, I'm exhausted," I said collapsing on the couch next to Harry.

"It's always such a long journey," he agreed rubbing my legs that I placed on his lap.

"Can we order takeout? For dinner? I doubt either of us want to cook and we need to go grocery shopping. Maybe after breakfast tomorrow," I suggested closing my eyes.

"That sounds good, relaxing tonight sounds amazing," he huffed.

I opened my eyes and saw his head leaned back on the couch staring at the ceiling. "What's on your mind?"

"Do you ever question it?" he asked making me confused.

"I need a little more," I laughed lightly not sure what his question meant.

"Like," he began turning to face me, "how did we become the people we are today? Y'know? It's so crazy that one day we were just kids at school and the next day we were millionaires in our 20s making music."
"Well, you may have had overnight success but I didn't," I teased making him laugh. "Not all of us get to be in a world famous boy band, H."

"It'd be weird if you were in a boy band," he mused considering the thought.

"It is crazy," I said agreeing with him. "I mean who actually thinks this is how their life will be? I love it though," I smiled. "Don't get me wrong, the lack of privacy sucks, the media too. But even with all the bad things I think it's worth it."

"It definitely is."

Harry and I continued to talk about random things before we decided to go in the hot tub until our food arrived. Harry was waiting for me as I changed into my black halter top bikini and matching high waisted bottoms. I quickly put my hair in a low messy bun with a few pieces falling out to frame my face.
Another thing I loved about my relationship with Harry is how comfortable we are with each other. We are so comfortable in our own skin it makes us more confident in who we are. Although Harry and I were just friends it would be easy to feel self conscious around him wearing a bathing suit when he is friends with models. Growing up I was bullied for my weight by family and people from school. I always had an unhealthy relationship with food and to this day I still have to remind myself to be kind to my own mind when thinking of food. I worked extremely hard for the body I have now, to be confident in my own skin. So while in the past I would have a panic attack wearing a bathing suit and being around other people, now I feel confident and sexy. Not that I needed to feel sexy for Harry, we were just friends.

As soon as I stepped outside Harry whistled making me laugh.

"Dork," I said climbing into the hot tub.

"So, how are you feeling?" What he really meant is, how are you doing dealing with the break up.

"Fine," I reply honestly. "Seriously, I'm not overly mad anymore. I think I understand in a way what he was saying. I know who I am, I am sure of what I want. He wasn't like that. I know I'm tired of hook-ups and short relationships, I just want something real," I shrugged. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I have plenty of inspiration for songs now, but I'm okay. I'm getting to a place where I'll be okay."

"Well good, his loss," he said making me laugh.

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The first few chapters are always the hardest for me to write, thanks for sticking with me <3