Golden Hour

28

I didn't have anywhere's to go. I was driving around for an hour before I finally made my way to the cottage. I just needed a moment to breathe. Harry bought two horses last month, he named one Golden and one She. She was mine and Golden was his. It was his Christmas gift to me. I just needed to get my mind off things so I walked up to She and pet her.

"Hi," my voice was soft and broken. I was exhausted and She could tell. She nudged her head softly against mine and I hugged her neck. "Wanna ride?" I tried to cheer my voice up as I saddled her and mounted before we set off.

Harry and I had discovered a lake in the back of his property, after a few inquiries we learned it was his lake. So I guided She through the property to the Lake and hooked her up to a tree allowing plenty of room for her to walk.

Harry had hired some company to build a small deck that extended over the water. It was so peaceful, for the first time in two months since I had learned about Jared escaping I felt calm. The air was warmer, as spring time prepared to come I heard the birds chirping and felt okay. I just needed a moment to not think about everything.

But, I knew I needed to. I needed to process what I was thinking and feeling. I knew I wasn't going to apologize for wanting to keep Harry safe, I would never apologize for that. But I did need to apologize for lying to him because that wasn't right. No matter how much I tried to justify it in my head I knew I screwed up.

I don't know how long I was sitting here and I didn't realize Harry was here until he sat down next to me.

"I know you didn't want to feel helpless, you were trying to protect us." His voice sounded like a soft murmur as he spoke. "But, you don't need to do this alone. You don't have to. You had to go through it alone before but I'm here, I'm not leaving."

"I won't apologize for trying to keep you safe," I said looking into his eyes. "But I am sorry I lied to you, I didn't want to hurt you," my voice broke again and I felt exhausted. I was so tired of crying.

"I know, baby. I don't want you to apologize for trying to keep me safe, I would do the same thing. But we have to be open with each other."

"I didn't like going through this alone, I wanted to tell you. I just felt so guilty." The tears streamed down my face and I didn't care about how bad I looked.

"You don't have to, let me help you. We're partners, we go through this together." His eyes held confidence and assurance and a new wave of guilt fell over me because I lied to him when I know Harry, he would have wanted to help me.

"I'm so sorry," I sobbed, "I ruined things. Harry, I can't do it alone anymore."

"You don't have to, I'm right here." When he wrapped his arms around me I felt a biggest surge of peace. "Let me be here for you."

"Okay."

I didn't realize how much that simple four word would actually make me feel free. It was surrender, surrendering to myself. I used to think asking for help was weak when really it was trying to do it on my own that made me weak. Because I was so insecure in my ability I felt that I had to shut people out. Asking for help isn't weak, its strength.

"Can I kiss you?" His words were soft as his forehead was pressed against mine. I hate that in the matter of three days it felt like we were strangers in some ways.

"Please." I wasn't beyond begging at this point, Harry did that to me.

His lips touched mine delicately trying to tell me everything was going to be okay. Gosh, I missed him. I missed the way his lips molded against mine, the way our tongues danced together. The way he tasted.

"I missed you," He said resting his forehead against mine again. "Please trust me."

"Harry, I've never not trusted you," My heart broke that any part of him thought I lied because I didn't trust him. "I do trust you, I trust you more than myself at this point. I was the one who didn't trust myself, I felt like I needed to prove to me that I could handle this because I couldn't back then. But, I'm starting to realize that it's okay that I can't do this on my own, it's okay to ask for help."

He smiled at me and kissed me again softly. We sat for a while longer until the sun started to set. I had spent the whole day at the lake and I hadn't eaten anything so Harry stopped to get us food on the way home. I was at the house before him since we hadn't drove together and I knew I had about 10 minutes until he came back so I grabbed candles and lit them, dimming the lights in the dining room. It wasn't exactly gourmet to have McDonalds in candle light but I wanted to do something nice.

Things were going to be better. Harry knew the truth. I know I had fractured his trust in me a little and I was going to need to show through my actions that I wouldn't lie to him again. Unless I was surprising him with something.

20 minutes had passed and Harry wasn't here. I had cleaned the few dishes in the sink and dried them. I was about to call him when Anne's name lit up across my screen, I have a bad feeling.

"Cash," her panicked voice made my stomach drop. "They just... I got a call from Grace hospital, Harry's been in a wreck..."

///

Don't hate me.