Leaves

PROLOGUE

PROLOGUE

"Neng, saan ka papunta?"

Ilang oras na din ang lumipas nung tinanong sa akin 'yan sa ticket booth pero napapaisip lang ako. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko na rin talaga alam.

Hindi naman talaga ako ganito. I usually have my plans all listed right from the crack of the dawn up until the nightfall. Ever since na nagkamalay ako, parang lahat ng galaw ko at desisyon sa buhay kalkulado na ng ibang tao.

They said that we should be in control, that I should be more careful with my actions and decisions. My life is their life. I would be hypocrite if I will say  that I don't like the fortune and the fame, but I hate the things that comes along with it.

Nakakasakal na din.

Bawat araw na lumilipas, parang mas lalo ako nawawalan ng buhay.

Masaya ako na nakikitang may napapasaya akong ibang tao, pero sobrang sakit sa puso na niloloko ko lang sila at hindi tunay 'yung ngiting pinapakita ko sa kanila. Pati sa mga kantang sinusulat ko, hindi ko na rin maramdaman.

Gusto kong magpahinga. Gusto kong mabuhay ulit. Kahit ilang buwan, linggo o araw man lang.

But it's the management..

They think that if they let me make my own decisions, I might have faced tons of complications already. And that's the least thing that I should want to happen. Of course, sino bang may gusto nun, 'di ba?

Complications.

Life is not complicated if only you are smart enough to avoid complications. But if there's one thing that I've learned the hard way from my 23 years of existence, it's that I'm completely wrong.

Life and complications will forever be intertwined. Even if you have people and management fixing it for you. You might have be able to resolve it before it gets worse, but it will always be inevitable. There will always be variables in life that you could never control.

The same reason why I am riding a ferry going nowhere. The complication was inside of me and I know that I am the only one who's capable of fixing myself.

Napasilip ako sa may bintana kaya napansin ko kaagad 'yung alon. For once in my life, I am currently riding against the current.

If I am doing the wrong choice I should feel guilty about it, right? Then, why do I feel so delighted?

Napapitlag ako nung biglang umalingawngaw 'yung tunog nung alarm, dahilan para mahulog 'yung sunglasses ko. Napamura ako sa sarili ko at dali-daling dinampot 'yung sunglasses mula sa sahig para isuot ko ulit. Inayos ko na din 'yung hoodie at facemask kong suot.

Nakahinga naman ako ng maluwag nung walang makapansin. Paranoid na kung paranoid pero nakaabot ako dito ng walang nakakakilala sa'kin. Halos magdadalawang araw na akong tuloy tuloy bumabyahe mag-isa na tanging backpack lang ang dala. Ayokong masira lahat ng paghihirap ko, makatakas lang doon.

Nasa pampang na kami.

Nagsimula nang magbabaan 'yung mga kasama kong pasahero, kakaunti lang 'yung tao pero nakisabay na lang ako sa kanila.

Pagkatapak ko sa lupa, parang gusto ko na lang bumalik sa may roro. Sakto kasing sumabay 'yung buhos ng ulan. Parang naligo na muna ako bago ako makarating sa pinakamalapit na silong.

Sobrang dilim ng paligid hindi ko na masyado makita 'yung islang pinagbabaan ko. Napayakap ako sa sarili ko nung humangin ng malakas, kahit nakajacket na ako tumatagos pa rin 'yung lamig. Literal na mag-isa na lang akong naghihintay sa gitna ng kawalan.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako tutungo ngayon, ni hindi ko nga alam kung may patutunguhan pa ba ako bukas. Ang alam ko lang sa ngayon, wala akong matatawagan para mahingan ng tulong. Hindi ako nagdala ng cellphone.

Napaupo ako dahil nanghihina na 'yung tuhod ko. Halo halong gutom, pagod at puyat ang umaatake sa akin. Sinusubukan kong i-control yung paghinga ko dahil 'yun na lang yung natatangi kong pwedeng gawin sa ngayon para hindi pa lumala yung malala ng sitwasyon, pero parang pumapalpak na din ako.

I started to feel suffocated. It feels like I am breathing poison into my lungs. I am slowly fading away. I pulled my hair out, clawed my own face and pinch myself just so that I could feel the pain.

Kasi sa mga ganitong oras, it's better to feel pain just so that I could feel anything.

But I'm getting number and number until I couldn't even hear the sound of the rain pouring into the ground. Hindi ko na rin marinig yung sarili kong iyak. Even the sound of the crashing waves on the shore. I was out of reality.

All I could ever hear is the sound of the voices in my head screaming that even though I look pathetic right now and I am stuck in nowhere, at least I am free.

I kept on convincing myself that I did the right thing.

Pero may isang boses na nangibabaw sa lahat. It's from someone unfamiliar. Some of the words are muffled.

"Ayos ka lang ba?"

It's probably just a simple question, but I don't often hear it a lot.

For the first time in a while, I could feel the warmth in someone's touch. I tried to open my eyes but my lids started to get heavy and before I saw that person I passed out.