Lovesick: Book 2

Special Chapter

Special Chapter

Winona

Being a transwoman is not just a phase that most people think it is.

They said that our bodies are like sacred temples meant to be protected and loved. The only person that God created is a man and a woman, meant to be together, and meant to love. Ang babae ay para lamang sa lalaki, at ang lalaki ay para lamang sa babae. These words scarred me with my fears of my closeted self.

There's no in between. That's why growing up, I always find myself standing in the middle.

Elementary palang ako, alam kong hindi naaayon ang bahaging tumubo sa pagitan ng aking mga binti at sa kung ano mang nararamdaman ko sa aking kasarian. Babae ako. Lagi kong palihim na ibinubulong sa harapan ng aming aparador na may salamin.

Si Mama ang unang nakahuli sa akin nito. Siguro dahil sa mother instincts niya, pero mas lalo niya itong nalaman nang makita niya ang mga binili kong hair pin sa labas ng private school na pinapasukan ko noon. Mahilig kasing bumili ng mga ipit sa buhok ang mga kaklase kong babae, kaya one time, nauna akong umuwi sa kanila saka ako nagmadaling bumili ng para sa akin. Sinabi ko pa nga sa tindera na binili ko ito bilang regalo sa babae kong kapatid. I'm an only child.

My father never had an issue with it when I turned into high school. In fact, my father never thinks a lot when it comes to our family. First, because my parents already separated before I graduated in Elementary. Second, my father already has his new family. And third, we never bonded a lot growing up.

I always think that the reason why I'm always like this was because of my father and how I never had that fatherly figure growing up. Kaya ako naging bading. Kaya ako naging malamya. At kaya siguro lahat ng lalaking nagpapakita sa akin ng motibo ay iniisipan kong may gusto sa akin.

I had my first crush when I was in Grade 7, his name was Aaron. He was a cute boy, a bit taller than me, and many girls liked him because he was also a volleyball player. I never knew what liking someone feels like not until I met him.

Lagi kaming magkasama dahil nasa iisang circle of friends lang kami. Madalas na inaasar kami dahil masyado ngang halata na may gusto ako sa kaniya. And one thing I liked about him was how he never cared. Pinapatulan niya pa nga ang mga pang-aasar sa amin.

But one thing I could never forget from him was this one thing he said about me.

"Alam mo, maganda ka sana kung naging babae ka. Sana babae ka na lang."

He taught me how the first crush of puppy love felt like, but he also showed me how heartbreak feels.

For weeks, hindi ako pumasok. I always made an excuse na may sakit ako. My mom never knew about it. Araw-araw akong nagbibihis ng uniform sa tuwing lalabas ng bahay pero ang totoo, may dala akong pamalit saka ako mag-iikot buong araw sa mga mall. Minsan sa mga library, tinititigan lang ang mga lumang magazine ng mga sikat na brands o 'di kaya ay mga artista.

I was young and stupid back then, wishing I'm made out of clay so I can reshape my body into a woman. But I am no god, I'm just a human, and the worst part of it is me being gay.

Hanggang sa tuluyang nalaman ito ni Mama. She never hated me for what I've done, but she hated herself for not knowing. Kaya nang magkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob para sabihin ito sa kaniya, ginawa ko.

She was supportive with my whole process of transitioning. Una naming ginawa ay magpa-consult sa kilala niyang professional both psychologist and psychiatrist. After that, I went to see a private endocrinologist. The check-ups are one thing, the medication is a whole lot of different worlds I was entering.