Lovesick: Book 2

10

Chapter 10

Lingering Whispers

Love sometimes would paint me into different colors from rainbows. It's not all bright yellow like the warmth of a sunny morning or pinkish red, calm like sundown. It can also be blue, a dark deep-like ocean, mysterious and unknown or violet like bruises that I had when I was a child learning how to ride a bike.

Right now, hindi ko mapinta kung anong tamang kulay ang nararamdaman ni Winona. Nakasandal kami sa malamig na pader, walang maupuan, nagpapakalma, at hinihintay na tuluyang tumila ang pag-iyak niya.

"You can tell me anything, Win..." I am still trying to let her open up.

"Tsk— I'm sorry, this is embarrassing!" She laughs it off, sabay punas sa kaniyang luha.

"Ha? Ano ka ba, it's just me oh! Of course you can tell me anything. Plus, we can backstab Noah whenever we like." Now I laugh it off.

Nagpunas siya ulit ng kaniyang luha at sipon, saka siya napahinga ng malalim, kinukuha ang natitirang lakas niya para magsalita.

"How do you do it?" She asks out of context.

"Do what?" I lean on my left shoulder to face her at the right angle.

"Be consistent with Marv? Like you're always together—"

"We're not always together—"

"You're supportive of each other—"

"Kasi 'yun lang 'yong kaya kong ibalik sa kaniya?" Tuloy-tuloy ang mga lumalabas sa dila niya at ako naman itong naghahabol na sagutin lahat.

"While you're both still achievers, in fact, even better kasi you're both occupied with your other passions. You from writing, Marv from tennis."

Well, Win, I can assure you I'm not achieving much. I kept that thought to myself. Now the imposter of my shadow stabs my back.

In the break between us, I realized that this isn't more about their relationship together. It's more about hers.

"Win, you too are doing better. I swear!" It might be a sensitive statement but I let this come off delicately. "Fights happen, yes, but that's normal, okay?" But I think that came off insensitively.

Mas masahol pa sa pagbibiro ang nagawa ko nang mapatawa ulit si Win. "We didn't fight," the laughter lighten us a bit or maybe seeing her smile is the cause of it, "it's more like a misunderstanding."

I guess I judged them too quickly. I wanted to ask her what kind of misunderstanding they had this time, but I waited until she was ready.

"Hindi naman talaga ako ganito. Ewan ko ba. Pagdating sa kaniya natatanga ako..." napabuntong hininga siya. "I always adored him from afar kahit na hindi niya pa ako kilala noong mga high school pa tayo. Even a glance of him from canteen would make my whole week complete. I should be grateful to have him now as my boyfriend, pero bakit parang may kulang. It's not him that is lacking. I fear that it is me... I fear that I am not enough for him..." her tears couldn't hold back again.

I pulled her hand and grip on her tightly. Hinigpitan ko para maramdaman niya na hindi siya nag-iisa ngayon. Wherever this is coming from, I wouldn't want to invalidate her feelings. "Shhh... Win, you are enough... in fact, you are more than enough!"

"I guess it's a crime for a transwoman like me to love a famous varsity player. Pakiramdam ko lahat ng babaeng nakakausap niya ay gusto siya. O 'di kaya lahat ng lumalapit sa kaniya ay nagtatangkang agawin siya sa akin. It's toxic... I know... and I hate that I'm pinning my insecurities to him when all he does is love me. It must be because of my hormones." She laughs wiping her tears. "I couldn't even tell this to my family."