HARRY STYLES - IMAGINES

Just hold me HS

it's...sad, short, kinda pointless and fluff. (#goals) Idk why I wrote this, sorry. ( I'm currently working on a request, don't worry I see u). I've written the "intro" at like 3AM so...if there are typos or mistakes, SORRY. I couldn't see anymore. have a lovely evening/day/afternoon/morning.

 - with much love, Nica :) 

Lately, I've been too sad to sleep. It was weird, really. Because I was tired and I wanted to sleep, yet, whenever I closed my eyes I felt a sudden wave of restlessness wash over me. Restlessness and this gloomy, dark feeling as if there was a heavy weight on my chest and it suddenly got hard to breathe. I wanted to change something, but I never knew what. I wanted to get out, but I never knew where from and where to. I wanted to work on something, get things done, get my life in check...but I never knew where to start and what to do. I was sad, tired, restless, stressed out, maybe anxious at times. Insecurities crept up at times, I didn't really knew what I wanted and if I actually wanted anything. There was this weird pull, the same pull you felt when you looked down a really tall building. As if something would urge you to jump or let go, yet your mind and fear was effectively holding you back. It was that one second long tripping, the thought of just giving it all up. That pull sometimes came laced with the hopelessness and the insecurities, minutes long, like a panic attack. Suddenly, the thought of having to live, maybe even for another sixty to seventy years made me feel claustrophobically cornered. I had not even reached the middle yet, and I was already okay with the thought of letting it go. There was this pressure to the realization that you had to live, there was this expectation and need for a good life, there was this strange passion that burned for a peaceful, happy life. A passion that seemed alien to my mind and body, because wasn't I the one finding living itself a pain, or at least, a burden? So why would I desire a thing that laid in another, in a thing I just wouldn't want to have; life. The panic attacks however didn't fully resulted in the realization that I had another sixty years or so ahead of me, it was the fact that I couldn't choose to say no. I had no free choice in ending my life if I felt like it. I couldn't just go ahead and end it, there were too many people around which my behaviour could affect. I had to live, I was obligated to live if I didn't wanted all the ones I loved to hurt. I had to live another approximately six decades until I could leave this planet. But I didn't wanted to wait that long. It is funny, but I remember that as a child, I often said that I would be fully okay with another meteorite hitting earth. Not only earth, by the way, but me. I remember it as clear as if it happened yesterday: I remember the feeling of acceptance I felt when I said it out loud, the satisfaction knowing that nature would redeem and grow back. Satisfaction knowing that I would never return, Human kind would probably not come back at all. At least not in its current destructive form. I would've been okay with all of that. At just seven years old. Another thing, something where I probably wasn't the only one, I wasn't afraid of death; I was curious. I wanted to know what came, how it felt, if something came and what would happen. I hoped there was nothing like being reborn, though. As harsh and cold-hearted that may sound, it's how I felt and still feel. Selfish, maybe. It wasn't fair that so many people were fighting for their life and their chance, and there was me, willing to throw it out of the window without even hesitating.

I blinked, the faint memory of a conversation I had just this morning with a friend of mine. I had told her about how I felt, and after a second of stunned silence she'd said: You don't even seem like someone I'd expect to be depressed. I mean, you're always so cheerful and caring and full of life when I see you. It was clear that she was overwhelmed with me confessing this to her, but her answer had still made me frown. You didn't have to feel good to care for your friends, just like you didn't have to love yourself before loving someone else. 

I blinked the memory away, carefully stirring my hot camomile tea. I had added just a small spoon of honey to the boiled up water and the mixture was heavenly. Calming, reassuring, detoxing almost. I closed my eyes.

Harry carefully dropped the keys on the table, eyes wandering across the open kitchen-living room section. It was deserted, no sign of you. It only smelled like camomile and honey, like you. 

"Love?" he called out, waiting for an answer that never came. He frowned worriedly, checking his phone quickly. There was no message, no missed call, no nothing. You should be at home, theoretically. Maybe you were upstairs, maybe you went to bed early. Harry had noticed how you often spent your time in the bed now, you even studied there at times. It first hadn't really worried or concerned him at all, I mean who could blame you. Bed's where places of positivity and who wouldn't stay in bed if possible during a boring online class? But with time, Harry also noticed how you were weirdly exhausted despite spending all this time cuddled up in blankets. You smiled, you laughed but you were off. It was as if the energy around you changed, somehow. It was impossible for Harry to put a finger on it and it drove him mad.

Harry slipped out of his shoes before jogging upstairs, approaching the bedroom door. He could hear soft music play from the room, a relieved sigh leaving his lips. "Love?" he repeated softly, carefully pushing the door up. There you were, leaned against the headboard, a cup of tea in your hand and your phone on the mattress beside you. At the sound of him entering you opened your eyes. Your face lit up immediately, a warm smile dancing over your lips. "Harry...I am sorry I think I drifted off a bit. How was todays session?" Harry walked closer to you, carefully kneeling down at your side. "It was okay. I missed you there." You smiled softly. "I only disturb your sessions, be honest. However, always kept two metres distance, I hope?" Harry laughed softly. "I was in the booth, most of the time. It was really weird. I don't think I can write music like this...what kind of song is that by the way?" You rose your eyebrows surprised. "Uh...Glitter by...070 Shake. I just discovered it, it's amazing, don't you think?" Harry nodded slowly. "Yeah it is nice. Just a bit dark, don't you think?" you shrugged, tilting your head to the side. "I like it." Harry sighed softly, getting up and walking towards the closet. "I know you do. You've...you listen to music often, I noticed. I mean, recently." He started carefully, pulling his shirt over his head and dropped it on a stool. "Yeah I know. I don't know why." Harry just nodded. "Let me shower and I'll be back." You took a sip of your tea. "Back for?" Harry turned around swiftly. "For you?"

His hair was still wet and curly and he was only dressed in a pair of sweats as he crawled to you under the sheets. Almost immediately he positioned himself behind you, wrapping his arms around you. Instinctively you leaned back, into his warmth and affection. "What's been on your mind lately, m'love." Harry asked quietly, pressing a kiss to your neck.

Harry's presence was weirdly calming. Weird because I had thought that I was already calm, but feeling his arms around however me showed me how calm really felt. his skin was still slightly wet, curls damp and he smelled wonderful. He was wonderful, at that. "What's been on your mind lately, m'love." I felt my heart drop slightly. He sounded worried, almost anxious. "I don't know Harry. Just life." I could feel him continue to kiss small butterfly kisses along my neck to my shoulder. "It's just...difficult at times, you know. I know I am in no place to complain, I am so privileged and..." Harry simply huffed. "That doesn't mean you can't feel sad or unsure of life and future." He silenced me with loving lecturing. "I know, but I feel bad." Harry chuckled softly. "You feel bad for feeling bad now, hm?" I shrugged, not smiling. It wasn't particularly funny, it was just another thing added to my...bunch of big question-marks and fear. Now that I said it out loud, it was even more present. Harry sighed softly, seeming to sense my mood. "That was not meant in a mocking way, love." I smiled softly, raising my hand to caress his cheek. "I know H." he sighed again. "About life...do you wanna talk about it?" Did I? Not really.

"No, thank you though. I don't know what I could tell you." I answered truthfully, snuggling into his chest.

"But Harry...?"

"Yes, love?"

"Can you just hold me?"

Harry wordlessly wrapped his arms tighter around me and kissed my cheek. And it helped.