A Billion Stars

Chapter 12

"I don't know how to help you." Ricky admits to me when I sit down on my couch when we get into my apartment. I nod, and even though there are tears still coming down my face I feel numb. "Anything I say is going to sound stupid next to the amount of pain you're in." I bite my lip to try and stop more tears from coming and I look at Ricky. His eyes hold so much emotion, and he brushes his hand against mine. "But you can talk. Talk for hours, and I'll listen." He tells me and I shake my head, brushing my tears off my face. "No I'm fine. That's not the first time he... just..." I don't know how to form my sentences but the way Ricky's brushing the back of his hand against mine makes me want to try. "I was with him for two years. Before, were were friends for three. I spent five years of my life trying to love someone who in the end, never loved me back. All the pain and constant fear that I went through was all for nothing, because he just saw me as something to own. On top of that, I thought I was so strong. I went to two months of therapy back in Salt Lake and I spent my time convincing myself I was worth loving the right way. If you hadn't been by me tonight though, I probably would've gone back with him. I would've convinced myself that I was being stupid, but I guess it's really not that hard because in the past ten minutes, I've convinced myself that I'm the person he sees." My voice sounds choked up and quiet, weak almost and as I gesture through my speech for emphasis, I feel Ricky scoot closer to me on the couch. "Time doesn't validate love. You can be with someone for ten years and never truly love them, but you can know someone for one day and know they're the one for you. And hey, I'm not saying anything against being with someone for ten years, but he treated you so horribly. The strength that you had to move from what was familiar to you is remarkable Nins." I nod and look down at my lap, tears falling onto the fabric of my shorts. "I'm never going to escape him will I? Even if he doesn't come back for me, he's permanently in my head." I whisper out and Ricky sucks in a breath. "You will escape him. You already did by letting him leave. Stop thinking about those words he said because they're so untrue." He whispers and I bite my lip as more tears come. "One of the first things I noticed about you was how stunning you are. Inside and out. I don't know how you are in bed, but I can only assume good things..." I laugh and look into Ricky's eyes. "And you're so strong, and whole. I promise." I sniff and lean my head back against the couch. "No one's ever been around to help me through... To be here for me after he..." Ricky cuts me off gently. "Well now you have me, and I just met you so I'm not going anywhere." I laugh breathily and he smiles. "No now's the time you're supposed to leave." I tell him and he shrugs. "I'm good."

After a while, I begin to flow in and out of sleep on the couch. I cried myself out of energy and Ricky didn't seem to mind. I'm almost completely sure he thinks I'm asleep though when I hear the tuning of guitar strings. I fight the urge to open my eyes, instead listening to him pluck out a melody before beginning to sing.

Come stop your crying

It will be alright

Just take my hand

And hold it tight

I will protect you

From all around you

I will be here

Don't you cry

My eyes gently flit open at Ricky's song choice and he catches my looking at him, his expression serious but kind. There's something hanging between us and I don't know whether to compliment his incredible voice or his guitar playing. "Phil Collins?" I ask instead and he smiles softly. "Of course." He tells me and I burry myself deeper into the couch. "Keep going." I whisper and he nods, looking down at his guitar before breathing out an okay.

For one so small,

You seem so strong

My arms will hold you,

Keep you safe and warm

This bond between us

Can't be broken

I will be here

Don't you cry

Ricky pauses to look at me after the next verse and I push my hair back from my face. "Come here." I say gently and he walks over with the guitar, sitting next to me and looking into my eyes. "Help me out." He says and I blush a little, but I doubt it's visible from my red cheeks and puffy eyes. "Okay." I tell him quietly.

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on

Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You'll be here in my heart

Always

We harmonize the last note perfectly and he turns to look at me while putting the guitar down. "Now you've heard my voice." He says sheepishly. I smile and lean into him just a little bit. "I heard a lot more than your voice." I tell him carefully and he nods, his body coming towards mine as well. It feels like someone's waiting for the other's move, or word, or any type of 'okay' to act on whatever's hanging between us. He breaks the silence first though.

"Was he the last person you were with?" Ricky asks me softly and I nod, biting my lip. "I don't even know if you could consider it a relationship that went both ways though. I was basically his." I tell him and Ricky nods, his body moving closer to mine on the couch. I look into his eyes and he regards me carefully. "So the last time you were kissed..." he says quietly, so quiet and low I barely hear it. I do though, and my brain turns foggy as he moves so that our sides touch. I try to manage a nod, but when his hand reaches out to cup my cheek gently the fog comes back in excess and I can't form my thoughts. "You're shaking Nins. I'm not going to do anything." Ricky tells me softly, his hand stroking my cheek in a way that makes me go numb and feel every feeling in the world at once. Instead of responding, I lean in just a little. I hear his breathing hitch and one of his other hand finds my thigh. "Tell me to stop." He whispers as he moves his face closer to mine. "Tell me to stop and I won't do it." He says and I shake my head, right as our lips collide.