A Billion Stars

Chapter 25

When Ricky and I get back from the beach, I tell him that I needed to shower and have some breakfast, that maybe we'd be able to get together "later." The truth is, I can already feel the strong attachment forming and it's one of the scariest feelings. It's like he's holding a gun to my heart and I'm trusting him not to pull the trigger. The last person I trusted, pulled the trigger. Ricky smiles but concern is etched across his face. "Alright, I'll see you later okay?" He asks and I nod. When I feel him reach out to squeeze my hand before giving me a small wave goodbye, my heart beat skips and I sigh aggressively as I get into my apartment. 

After a long, hot shower, I rummage through my dresser and put on sweatpants and a random sweatshirt. Only after walking out into the living room do I realize that the sweatshirt I had put on was EJ's sweatshirt that I somehow packed with my stuff. The scent is familiar and the fabric reminds me of my old life, prompting tears to pool in my eyes. I rip the sweatshirt off of me, throwing it across the room and allowing my body to slide down to the floor as the tears come faster. It's not fair that EJ made me so unable to date anyone after him, it's not fair that even though I know he's bad for me, I still think about him. It's not fair that I'm stringing Ricky along either, he shouldn't have to deal with me. The thought of pushing him away makes me cry harder but the thought of bringing him into all of this unfairness hurts my heart in more ways than I could count. I continue to cry, letting myself have this one mental breakdown and even as the tears stream down my face I recognize that there is no other way to heal. I needed to write a song. 

For forty five minutes, I sit at the piano thumbing through chords progressions and possible lyrics. Only when I hear a knock at my door do I pull myself out of my work and I weakly ask who it is. None other than Ricky's voice rings out and I fan my face, hoping to pull myself together and I walk slowly to open my apartment door. It's too late, I notice the fact that I look disheveled and I'm literally only wearing a sports bra and sweatpants, but if I acted chill maybe he'd believe me. "Hey what's up." I ask, trying to seem as nonchalant as possible. His eyebrows furrow in confusion and he seems to be staring at me intently. "Hey are you okay? Your eyes are red and-" I cut him off and shrug my shoulders dramatically. "Totally fine! What's up?" I ask and while the concern is still evident in his eyes he lets it go. "I brought lunch, and then I heard your piano as I got closer to your door. Figured I had to reprimand you for breaking before a week is up." He grins and I try my best to laugh but he notices the fact that it's not quite my usual one. "Oh, come on in." I say and I move aside for him. He raises an eyebrow as he steps over the sweatshirt that I had thrown across the room and I shake my head, ignoring him and walking back over to the piano. "Can I hear what you have? See if my plan is working?" He asks with his signature smile again. I hesitate and Ricky smiles. "Hey, it's just me. No judgment over here." He says and I nod, knowing my mental state is unprepared to continue to fight him. 

I hope you take her on the Ferris wheel that you took me on

I hope you tell her to open her eyes when she reaches the top

because round and round, in circles we went

trying to save a connection that was had already been spent 

I don't look up from the keys, the tears having returned to my eyes as I sang the chorus of the depressing song I just wrote. I don't look at Ricky, I don't break the silence. I just let myself be. I feel two warm hands press onto my shoulders and I feel Ricky's head close to mine as I breathe deeply. "You wanna know what's remarkable?" Ricky finally asks, his voice quiet and gentle. "What?" I ask and he I feel his thumbs move to the base of my neck, rubbing gently. "You still wrote a gorgeous song despite the sad message." I laugh but it comes out watery and depressed.  "Watch this." He says, moving around and deliberately putting his hands on my waist to move me over on the piano bench. (No really, he could've just pushed me over a little.) I watch as Ricky's fingers find the chords I played and he looks at me with a smile before turning back to the keys. 

Promise me we'll go on the Ferris wheel that you took me on

Promise me you'll kiss me when you reach the top 

because round and round, in circles I know  

every ride better than the last, take my hand and don't let go

Ricky plays each line thoughtfully, smiling as words fall into place and when he finishes he turns to me with a little hopeful smile. "It's all how you think Nins. If for ten seconds you trusted the words I told you at the beach today, this is what you could write. But I know someone did you wrong and god, I respect you so much for your journey in overcoming that but I'm not letting you fall, okay?" I nod mutely and think over his words. "So, you picked up on the meaning of the song?" He laughs and reaches out, tucking a piece of my hair back. "Yeah sorta, don't worry you weren't too obvious." He jokes and I laugh, moving on the bench to carefully bring my arms around him. He falls back for a second to catch me and then he adjusts, holding me tight. "Guess it was pretty good that you wrote that today. It wouldn't matter how many little outings I'd take you on, if this wasn't talked about you wouldn't get a song." I nod into his shoulders and I feel him rubbing my back. I sigh and squeeze my eyes shut tightly. "Okay. Okay. Everything's going to be fine." I whisper into his shoulder and I hear him hum. "What?" He asks and I shake my head. "Nothing."