A Billion Stars

Chapter 38

At the end of the night, I decide I need to head home, showering and sleeping at my own place instead of taking up room at Ricky's place. He tried to disagree with me and get me to stay, but I wanted him to still look forward to being around me and I didn't want that to disappear if I stayed with him 24/7.

"So, I'll see you for our date next week." I say after Ricky walks me to my apartment door. "Yeah, or y'know, maybe before." He shrugs and I mentally slap myself. "Oh yeah, definitely before, um just let me know?" Ricky nods, running his hands up and down my arms. "Hey, no need to be nervous. It's still just me even if things will change a little bit." I nod gratefully, imitating his movements by running my hands up and down his arms and holding his wrists loosely. "Yeah it's just different." I say and he smiles, the one that makes me go weak in the knees. "Good different?" I nod shyly and move just a little closer to him. "Great different." He bites back a smile and presses a kiss to my forehead. "I'll call you Nins, sleep well and maybe I'll stop by in the morning and we can go watch the sunrise?" My heart skips a beat and I nod. "I'd love that. Just text me so that I can set my alarm." He smiles and he gives me a boyish wave as I walk into my place and I feel like I'm physically swooning.

Walking around my apartment, I sigh. There were still things that littered my place, things from EJ, things I collected during our relationship. I frown when I run my hand over a blanket that I had stolen from his place one night and I make my way over to my bookshelf where I had unconsciously put up a picture he had taken of me, (one of the few where I look truly, genuinely happy.) I look around my place, acknowledging there needed to be a change because I was still holding onto the memories of our friendship, and for some reason only remembering the good things from our relationship. I make my way to my bedroom, throwing open my closet and my dresser, figuring this is where I wanted to start. I took out all of the clothing that reminded me of EJ, all of the dresses that I had worn on dates, all of the lingerie that he had touched me in, a few of the sweatshirts that I had still kept from him and even some of the sweatpants that I'd chill around our place in. I threw it all out of my bedroom, not caring how messy the living room might look, I just needed it out of my space. I threw out pillows he had slept on and pictures that I had put up (of our group hangouts in college.) Once I was satisfied with my clean closet, I moved over to my jewelry stand. I tossed out necklaces and rings that he had given me or helped me pick out, and I threw out the pair of earrings he helped me choose when I got my third piercing. I tossed it all, (maybe a little too aggressively) but I had to get it all out and I was beginning to get so proud of myself. After getting everything out of my bedroom, I moved towards the living room. I tossed out song books he had given me, ripping out pages just for the hell of it, throwing books that reminded me of him and even smashing magnets that he had given to me from his childhood. I felt liberated, and my apartment felt slightly exhausted from the amount of crap littering it, but it felt amazing. I laughed and smiled as I threw things all over, crying only from the feeling and excitement of freedom. I go at this for hours, tossing things out into the open that I want to get rid of, admittedly allowing myself to go down memory lane a few times, then instantly regretting it, and smiling as I deal with those feelings carefully. As I start to near the end of my work, I look up at the clock and realize that it's nearly five in the morning. I spent the entire night freeing myself and while I still had to throw it all away, I was so close and it felt amazing.

I hear a tap on my door about fifteen minutes later and I perk up from the floor, looking towards the door. I nervously look around at my place, scared that it was Ricky here to take me to the beach. I shrug though, accepting my situation and I make my way over to answer the door. I was right in assuming Ricky had come over and I'm greeted with him in front of me holding a sweatshirt and two iced coffees. "Morning Nins! I texted you an hour ago but I didn't get a response- oh my god did you sleep at all?" He's taking in my disheveled appearance, focusing on the dark circles around my eyes and taking note of my messy hair and the clothes that I was wearing yesterday. "Oh." I laugh and push my hair back. "Long story." I say and he looks horrified. "Nins!" He says and I bite my lip, expecting him to lecture me. He just looks plain confused though and something catches his eye behind the door, (probably the mess) and he pushes me over gently to walk into my apartment. "Nins, what the hell..." he murmurs, turning to face me with a very concerned expression. "No it's okay! I'm okay, I know it looks bad but it's really, really good." Ricky's eyebrows raise in wondering and I grin, grabbing onto his arm in excitement. "Look!" I say and he smiles despite himself and looks around my place. "I am but babe it looks like a tornado went through here." I flush at his pet name and shake his arm. "No! It's everything EJ's looked at, or touched or gave to me. It's all trash and I got it all out. It was all so deeply rooted into my life that I didn't even know. Somehow, it's all remained here even after I thought I got rid of stuff and even if I'm not completely healed, I feel like a weight has been lifted." Ricky's eyes brighten and he puts down his sweatshirt and the iced coffees, pulling me into a tight hug. "I'm so proud of you. This is amazing. What do you say I go grab some trash bags and we can get all of this out of here for good." I nod eagerly and snuggle myself into his chest. "Thank you." I say and I feel his fingers thread through my hair. "Next is your phone." I pull back and tilt my head. "This was your apartment after a breakup and a move. I'd say there are things hidden within your phone too. Pictures, saved messages, all that shit." I nod and grin. "YES! Why didn't I think of that!" Ricky smiles and rubs the base of my neck. "Because you haven't slept at all. Maybe I could clean all of this up while you sleep?" I shake my head and take ahold of his hand. "I want to do it. But I'll sleep for an hour or two after before we go through my phone." He looks a little concerned but smiles anyway. "Whatever will calm that beautiful mind of yours."