A Billion Stars

Chapter 37

Love. Love. While I knew it and felt it within me as well, hearing Ricky verbalize the word I was so afraid of made me freeze up. Endless memories of saying the three damn words just so that EJ would leave me alone, or hearing him justify uncomfortable, possessive behavior with the words come flooding back to me. Phrases like "I do this because I love you" or "I'm like this because I love you" were drilled into my head and while I had been able to push them away for the time being, Ricky using the word again, warning me that he was falling in love was scary and it set off every alarm in my body. The only thing keeping me grounded was the feeling of Ricky's hands on my arms. Ricky's face looked concerned though, like he made a mistake and I felt his arms loosening on me. I panic, holding him tighter and I say the first thing that comes to my mind. "Wait, wait just give me a second please." I beg and Ricky's facial expression turns to something like a sweet puppy. "Okay, okay." He says gently and I try to reel my thoughts in. I'm pressured, the way he's staring at me making my heart race as I try to find a response. "You don't have to say anything Nins, I just sprung that on you and-" I cut him off. "Wait, please." I say and he presses he rubs my waist with his thumbs. "Maybe..." I start slowly. "Maybe I do need professional help because I can't say what I want to say right now. Because I am, I am falling..." I say and when I look in Ricky's eyes I can't finish my sentence. FALLING IN LOVE. That's all I wanted to say to him. "Yeah?" He whispers with a hopeful smile. I nod and my mouth twitches up as his eyes brighten. "Here's the thing, you don't have to verbalize that until you're ready. Until then, I think I'll know." I smile and brush the back of my hand against his cheek. "I'm sorry that I can't say it yet. I used to use it so flippantly, more of a way to get time by myself to be honest, and that's not how I feel with you. If I use those words, I want you to stay here." I say and he laughs, rocking our bodies. "I sure hope so Nins, I'm getting a little attached." I laugh and take a deep breath before furrowing my eyebrows. "Wait how will you know?" I ask and he smirks before leaning in, pressing our mouths together. All of the oxygen leaves my lungs and my heart races as he holds me in place firmly, pulling me closer to his body. When he pulls back, I let out a shuddering breath and I feel my body shaking lightly. "That's why." He says smugly and I lean into him, resting my head against his shoulder. "That's mean to do to someone who's anxiety is already at an all time high." Ricky laughs deeply, rubbing my arms soothingly. "Just proving a point Nins." I smile into his shirt and rub his chest gently. "So, does that mean we're official?" I ask hopefully and Ricky laughs, pushing me back so that he can hold eye contact with me. "If that's what you want, then you know I'm on board too." I grin and sit up straight, wrapping him in a tight hug. "It's what I want. I just don't know what I'm doing exactly, I don't remember how the start of everything goes." I say and Ricky pecks my cheek before sitting back. "Hmm, how about I take you out next week? You, me, and LA's finest restaurant or beach or movie theater." I smile and pretend to think. "I'm up for anything, I just want to spend time with you." He points at me with a grin. "You're right, we really haven't been doing that enough this past week." I push him away at his sarcasm, falling back from laughter. "Shut up, you know what I mean." He quirks his eyebrows and shifts himself so that he's hovering over me slightly. "Oh I think I know what you mean." He smirks and I push at his shoulder, laughing harder. "Ricky!" He grins pulling me up, back onto his lap, kissing my shoulder tenderly.