A Billion Stars

Chapter 47

Three full hours later, Ricky and I are getting into the car for the final time. I had a whole new wardrobe, (including new underwear which had to be my favorite part of the trip... Ricky pacing outside the shop, too scared to go in) and my confidence was at an all time high. Looking out the car window, I fight the smile that wants to return to my face, happiness and positivity flooding through my body. "You good?" Ricky asks me gently, his voice breaking through the peaceful silence in the car. I turn to him with a smile and I nod. "Yeah, better than good. Thank you." I practically whisper and he grins, his right hand slipping from the car console to my thigh hesitantly. He rubs it and it feels like he's debating whether or not to let go. I bring my hand over his tentatively, pressing down on the back of his hand and wordlessly encouraging him to keep it on my leg. I run my fingertips over his skin and even though he's not looking at me I can see the alertness, the tension in his jaw as I rub his hand. It's almost like something clicks though and he noticeably loosens up, glancing down at my hand on top of his and then looking back to the road. "You..." he clears his throat before continuing. "You should start working on your application song... for LACM." I nod and continue to trace patterns onto his skin as I think. "Yeah, believe me I want to, I'm just a little nervous." He nods and gives me a charming smile. "God knows you don't need the help, but if you do, I'm always just across the hall." I smile and settle for just grabbing his hand and interlacing our fingers. "Yeah, believe me, I might need you. But I think I've come a long way on my own too." He squeezes my hand and gives me a proud smile. "You have. Fuck, I've seen it with my own eyes." I laugh and look out the window before looking at him. "I wrote a song once about a deep depression that I had fallen into and everyone LOVED it. Like I had never seen anyone love a song of mine so much. And I really wanted to explore like... why?" I laugh and shake my head. "It's the intense feelings that they love in music. Where we can make people feel like they just lost the most important person in the world even if they're right next to them. I've had the worst intense feelings, but they brought me great music and now I have incredible intense feelings. What I can do with that..." I trail off and bite my lip as I think. Ricky turns and looks at me, giving me a little smile. "Can I hear the lyrics to that depression song? I kinda want to feel those intense lyrics." I grin and meet his eyes. "You wanna feel bad?" He laughs and looks at the road, his smile bright. "No but, honestly I just want to feel something you created... I don't know. Maybe that's totally stupid. I'm just falling in love with... I just want to-" I cut him off by taking out my phone and opening my notes app. "No it's okay, just please don't pity me or give me that look when I'm done reading the lyrics." I say with a smile and he smiles, pulling into our apartment driveway. "Promise." I roll my eyes and look over the lyrics before biting my lip. "Actually, you can just read them." I say, handing my phone out to him and he looks surprised but takes it, nodding slightly. I see his eyes flit over the screen, reading every word I've memorized by now.

It feels like it's endless, the times that I say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being here and taking up space. I wish I could say everyday got easier, instead I'm beaten down and left for no reason. I'm in a relationship that doesn't value my thoughts, I'm in a family that's busy searching for their lost. I'm sick of the feeling of being so insecure and all I want is to stand up and say no more.

Ricky looks up from my phone and his eyes hold so much emotion that I can't read them. "No sympathy or pity." I warn with a small grin. "I'm better now." He nods and he sighs before turning off the screen to my phone and cupping my face in his palm. "I mean, I hate how you actually made my heart ache with those words. Means they were probably even more powerful for you when you wrote them." I nod and I feel my brain beginning to fog up at the feeling of his thumb rubbing against my jaw line. "Have I told you you're incredible?" I let out a tiny breath and nod, scared to speak and puncture the peaceful but tense air between us. Ricky's face comes a little closer to mine and he looks as if he's waiting for me to make a move so I do, scooting towards him in my seat and biting my lip. I feel Ricky's thumb starts to pull at my bottom lip to release it and with that, it short circuits my brain and I'm pushing forward to meet his lips. He breathes out when my lips meet his and it feels like he loses control when I slide my fingers through his hair. He groans and pulls on my arms gently, signaling a want for closeness. I don't think, I just climb over the center console of the car, into his lap and I deepen our kiss. I feel Ricky's arms loop around my waist, his hands pressing into my back firmly to hold me closer and I feel his tongue slip across my bottom lip, asking for an entrance to my mouth which I give him willingly. He breathes into my mouth and his hands run up and down my arms, raising goosebumps on my skin. "Nini... Nins we have to slow down." He whispers and I gasp when I feel him moving to get comfortable, proving to me he's getting aroused by our situation. "I know, but I don't want to." I breathe back and I pull away to catch my breath, Ricky's eyes still very much closed. He opens them after a second and nods. "I don't either but we'll be glad we did." He tells me quietly and I nod, knowing he's right. I lean towards him again, wrapping him in a tight hug. His breathing is still unstable and I know mine matches his, but I've never felt more stable and in control.