A Billion Stars

Chapter 49

Broken. Broken. Broken. His words echo in my mind as I wake up to the bright sunlight the next morning. I knew if I turned on my phone I'd see missed messages from Ricky, I knew I'd see texts that would ask for an explanation but I didn't want to talk to him. Maybe he meant the words he said harmlessly, but I'd be damned if I let another guy take every part of me away. I get up, slipping into a bathing suit and a coverup, knowing that the way to clear my mind was the beach again. I bring a notebook, knowing I'd want to jot down some lyrics and I make my way to the beach, holding onto every bit of strength I had left.

Three hours pass quickly as I sit in the abandoned life guard tower as my hair blows in the wind, the peace falling over me unlike anything I've ever felt. Sure, Ricky brought me a beautiful, addicting peace but it felt so different than the individual content that I felt right now. I look off into the distance at a couple surfing together and I sigh knowing that the relationship part of my life might never work. Ricky was right, I'm broken in that aspect. I'm too scared he's going to turn into someone horrible and even if that's irrational, no amount of kind words from him would change that. The couple in the ocean laugh and toss water at each other before the guy pulls the girl on her board closer to kiss her and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Screw EJ. Screw EJ for breaking me and making me someone that I couldn't run away from. I'm stuck. I let a few tears fall before I shake my head and curl up into a ball. I want to get away, I want to leave but I know that wherever I go, my screwed up mind, my screwed up past will follow. Suddenly the ocean seems like an escape that I wanted. I could go in, and never come out and never have to face my life here... I shake my head and curl myself tighter. I'm not like that. I have my moms and my friends, I couldn't just leave them. I wipe at my face angrily and take a deep breath. I needed to recenter, remember my reason for being in LA in the first place. A life-changing music school was waiting for me and I had to get a grip. My hands shake as I pull out my notebook and the second my pen touches the paper, I want to write about my pain, my sadness. Something inside me stops that though, and somehow I'm writing about love. I describe the love that Ricky gave me, his support and the way he makes me feel. Somehow, in four hours, I have a song that's unlike a song I've ever written and I let out a small whimper before all of my tears start to come. I didn't care what Ricky had to say about me, I fell in love and he simply was telling the truth when he said I was broken. My brain is what's stopping me from being with him. When I let my emotions speak out in the song and I felt so much love but my brain tells me to run at the first sign of the unknown. I shake my head and close my notebook. I let out a few more sobs, whether out of sadness or happiness, and I climb down the lifeguard tower and I run across the beach.

I wanted to run to Ricky, and my heart skips when I realize that I don't have to go too far because he watches me from the other side of the beach. His eyes are wide and hopeful, his hair is blowing in the wind and his hands are tucked into his pockets as he watches me. I run and I toss my arms around him, holding him tightly. I feel his shock and I know he's confused but he doesn't pull away, in fact, his arms come around to hold me tightly. "Woah, woah. Hey there." He whispers into my hair and I grasp onto him a bit more, tears still slipping from my eyes but barely enough to care. "I'm not running from you anymore." I tell him and his hand rubs my back as he reciprocates the tightness of the hug. "Thank fucking god." He whispers and I catch a few more of his words. "Even if you did, I'd still keep running to you."