Vivid

XXVIII

The longer I stare at her tiny body, the more my heart aches like hell. How can I let someone suffer, again? My tears flowed like a river as my world almost collapses just by seeing her condition.

Her body with tubes inside a small container, an incubator. I lose hold of my sobs. I crumpled my hands on my chest hoping I would have a grip on my aching heart but I can't. My baby. My baby is fighting for her life. And I can't do anything. This is all my fault!

I hit my chest with my knuckles. The pain my body is receiving physically, from the way I hit my chest, is nothing compared to what I am feeling, emotionally. I closed my eyes, intently. Hoping that the next time that I will open it, I'll found out that this is all a dream.

But the world will not give everything that you wish for. It's either you'll do something to make things run your way or you can just accept the fact that it's not for you.

"Yves..." Alo sa akin ni Kaye nang makita niya akong humahagulgol sa harap ng glass window ng nursery room. She gently holds my shoulder.

"You need to be strong... Your stitches... baka magdugo ulit." Mahina niyang paalala sa akin habang malamlam ang pagkakatingin sa aking mata.

After what happened in Hailey's condo unit, I passed out. The moment I open my eyes again, everything was blurry and I wasn't in my already. Based on the doctor, I experienced hypertension and if my baby wasn't removed from my body, she might end up dying inside. Making it harder for me, because she may release toxins.

For goodness' sake! She still needs two months to fully form herself but here she is now, and it hurts me even more. Seeing her as a premature baby, made my heart sink.

If only Clyde is here, this might be easier.

Inakay na ni Kaye ang kinauupuan kong wheelchair pabalik sa kwarto na naka-assigned sa akin. Pilit kong pinapalakas ang aking loob. I need to be strong, my baby needs me to be strong.

Sinunod ko na lang si Yves. Tinulungan niya akong makabalik sa kama at siya na rin nag-ayos ng iba gamit sa loob ng kwarto. Nanatili akong tahimik habang nakatingin lamang sa kawalan.

Hindi ko pinansin ang muling pagbukas at pagsara ng pinto. I'm done with everything, all I want is the safety of my baby. I'm done with all the hatred. I'm done with all the agony.

Just like how Clyde turned my life upside down, my baby is a living proof how my pain easily erased just by existence.

"Yves," Mahinang bulong ng kakapasok lang nang makalapit ito sa akin. I'm not blaming anyone for what happened to my child, it's my fault. If only I have taken everything easily. The more I tried to understand that life is really hard, the more I got confused.

It felt like I was born chasing everything. Chasing the running time that I'll be with my parents. Chasing the happiness, so I can get away with sadness. Chasing my dreams for the reason that I want to chase my father's attention and affection. A chasing game. But, the only player is me. And I think I already passed my finish line.

"Ate..." She stated before pouring her heart out in front of me. That made me a little shaky because of so many emotions. I know she suffered, the same way I suffered. I guided her body up until I can fully snake my arms on it. I let her cry on my shoulder while tapping her shoulder lightly.

"I'm sorry..." She repeatedly begged for mercy when she doesn't need to do so. "Shh, it's not your fault, Hailey." She continued crying. If I could bring back all those years that I had a chance to be with her, I would choose to do so. But that's how fate plays, making us regret our decisions in the end.