Wish

Chapter 13

After our fight, if you could even call it that, I hadn't talked to Phoebe. I hadn't talked to anyone actually. I kept my phone off most of the time, I was still getting prank calls multiple times a day. Though judging by the number of missed called from unknown numbers I saw on the rare occasion I did turn my phone on, the calls were slowly getting less and less. I had a few missed calls from my friends. I didn't return their texts. They usually consisted of asking where I am and if I was okay. Stupid question. It had been about a week since the fight. It sort of felt weird not talking to them but I just didn't have the energy for them, pretending to not be sad all the time was exhausting.

I felt even worse going to school these days. Yes, I couldn't be bothered with human interaction but at least when I was talking to my friends I didn't look like a loner walking around school alone or sitting in an empty classroom at lunch and free periods. I saw them occasionally during classes but I was getting to class just before the bell and running out of the classroom at my first opportunity so they never got a chance to talk to me. I even sat at a different desk just to be away from them.

Today I walked to school alone in the cold. It was early December, so I hated the walk even more. I really don't do well in the cold; it makes me even more miserable. I was feeling sorry for myself enough without frostbite on top of it. Dramatic, I know, but that's how I felt. I tried to muster up the energy to walk quicker, hoping to work up a little bit of heat but also so I'd get out of the cold quicker. Though, to be honest, I'd rather be stuck in the cold than go to school.

I got to school late, I just made it in time for the end of registration. And by just, I mean I said "Sorry I'm late" and then the bell rang signalling first period. Of course, I timed it deliberately, I was just hoping the teacher wouldn't figure that out. First and second period went by quickly, I was still managing to keep on top of my work and concentrate in class. Just. I wasn't about to let this bullying stop me from getting good enough grades to get into university. Besides, I had nothing else to do and it helped keep my mind busy so it wouldn't wander down a dark path. School work was about the only thing keeping my mind off my shitty life. I had third period free so I hid out in the toilets until lessons were well underway so I could scope out a free classroom I could commandeer to do more revision.

Today I had an early finish as my last period was free so I had arranged to work a shift after school. Thankfully, no one had found out where I worked so my job was a place of solace besides my home. Though home didn't feel like the best place right now either. Ever since finding out about my Dad moving in with his other woman it's like the progress Mum had made in coming to terms with the affair and the divorce had been undone. She was withdrawn and quiet again and I hated it. We didn't talk much, mostly small talk over meals. She always looked so tired; I could tell she wasn't sleeping well. She was still staying in the spare bedroom; I don't think she went into her bedroom unless it was necessary.

Today's shift seemed to drag, the small corner shop didn't have a lot of customers and the new deliveries had already been put out earlier in the day. So I was stuck manning an empty till for four hours. Great. Needing something to keep myself busy, I pulled out a notebook that was kept behind the till and started listing all the topics I still needed to revise. When I had come up with a plan for that, I listed all the reasons why I needed to stick out the rest of the school year. The biggest reason, I found, was so I could go to a university far away from here and have a fresh start. Now that was motivation to stay in school. I started planning all the things I'd do one the school year was over: get settled into university, have an amazing freshers week, make new friends, decorate my dorm room, maybe meet a nice guy. I thought about all the things I had wanted to do in the summer before I went away: go to the beach, maybe go on and girls holiday with Phoebe and Emma, binge watch all of the Harry Potter movies with Justin...but will I be able to? I thought to myself. Are we even friends anymore? Will I have them in my life by then? I sighed dejectedly, tore out the piece of paper, crumpled it up and threw it in the bin. No point kidding myself. I tore out my revision plan and put that in my pocket. At least I didn't completely waste my time.

After school or work I usually locked myself away in my room. Not literally, I didn't have a lock on my door but I would shut myself away and either revise or binge watch something on Netflix. When I got home from work it was 7 o'clock and I was starving. I decided to shove a pizza in the oven and go get changed into some comfy clothes. Mum didn't cook so much anymore, now that she was working more, so I was eating a lot of frozen food and ready meals. I realised should probably learn to cook before I go to uni, I can't live on ready meals for three years that would be way too expensive and not at all healthy.

When my pizza was cooked, I brought it up to my room and mindlessly watched a movie on Netflix. I couldn't say what it was about because I was too mentally drained to pay full attention to that plot and I think the writers of the movie didn't really know what was going on either. Finally, at 11 o'clock I turned my light off and went to sleep, feeling sad and lonely and wishing I didn't have to do this all again tomorrow.