Wish

Chapter 28

It was a sunny Saturday morning and I was walking through town to an independent coffee shop that sold the softest, gooiest chocolate chip cookies to ever exist. Usually, I'd be so excited to go that I'd be speed walking. Instead, I'm all but dragging my feet, trying to take as long as possible to get there. Why? Well because I had finally agreed to give my Dad the time of day to let him talk. He'd suggested coming around to the house but I felt better meeting somewhere impartial, on even ground. It had been months since he left and while I was still hurt by his very obvious absence in my life, I didn't want to go off to University without at least being on better terms with him, especially if I ended up moving away.

As I walked down the street where the coffee shop was located, my pace slowed. I couldn't explain why I was feeling anxious about the meeting. I just was. I hated it. This was my Dad; I shouldn't feel anxious about seeing him. I took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh, finding my resolve and marching up to the coffee shop and opening the door. The ring of the bell had my Dad, who was already there and waiting, looking up at the door anxiously. At least I wasn't the only one anxious about this meeting. I walked over to his table and sat down, noticing the latte that had been placed opposite hit tea. At least he got the drink order right, that's a start.

"Hi." I said as I reached for the latte.

"Hi. How have you been?" Dad asked.

"Good. School is getting stressful, what with exams coming up, but I'm good." I said honestly. I could be better but I'd been worse so all in all I couldn't complain.

"Good. Are you feeling prepared for your exams?" Dad looked a little worse than the last time I'd seem him. It had been a few months and I remember him looking as if he had just come back off holiday. Now though, he looked tired. Maybe he actually was stressed with work. Either that or he was having yet another affair, who knew with the man.

"As prepared as I can be, I guess." I said. The conversation fell silent after that, neither one of us knowing what to say. If I'd been told a year ago that I'd be stuck in uncomfortable and awkward silence with my Dad because he'd all but neglected me for months I'd never have believed it. Yet here we are.

I had so many things I'd wanted to say to him these past few months. So many things I'd wanted to yell or cry or simply say. Yet now my head was blank. What do you say to a parent when they've hurt you? How do you even start such a difficult conversation? After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, it was my Dad who spoke first.

"I'm sorry." Was all he said. I took a minute to digest his words. Sorry for what? Sorry for cheating on your Mum and breaking her heart? Sorry for leaving? Sorry for forgetting your eighteenth birthday? Sorry for pretending you don't exist for months? There was a lot he had to be sorry for. A lot for me to hold a grudge against. It would be so easy to hold all of those things against him and ignore him like he had done to me, but what good would that do? I'd still be miserable, holding grudges and negative feelings only serves to hurt the person who's holding on to those feelings. Not that I could forgive my Dad for those things yet, but maybe I could start to. Maybe we could try to fix things.

"For what exactly?" Was all I said.

"For everything. I was selfish. I fell in love with another woman, I didn't mean for it to happen but it did. I never wanted to hurt you or your mother. And I never should have let what I did come between us. I should have been there for you regardless of how angry you were at me or how much you hated me. It's my job to be there for you and I failed, I'm so sorry." His voice cracked at the end, his eyes full of guilt and I could tell he was genuinely sorry. I could the familiar burn of unshed tears in my eyes and I willed them not to fall.

"Just- Why? Why did you stop being my Dad?" I said after letting out the breath I didn't realise I'd been holding.

"Because you hated me and I thought if I gave you some space and some time to calm down then you wouldn't hate me anymore." Dad said, looking down at his tea, his shoulders slumped.