The Light House Girl.

Chapter 23

"What?" I asked Riley knowing full well what the answer to my question would be. But what Riley asked shocks me a little.

"Are you okay Abbie?" I blink a few times looking at her, not sure how to respond. I have never been asked this question by a friend before. So, I turn and take off. I lost my ability to speak and my brain is showing me so many scenes that I am on overdrive right now. Why did I behave like this? Well for two reasons, one being no one ever saw me, and my skin more than I allowed. Like what is visible through my three-quarter sleeve t-shirts or shirts. And the shortest pants I ever wore are long shorts that too very rarely. So, my stomach, my back, and my upper arms and thighs have always been hidden from the world until now. And the second being no one ever asked me how I am ever. Am I okay? Do I even know the answer to that question? Ade might have but I cannot recall. I ran as far away as possible to hide on an open beach. I am in my bikini the one I bought today for beach. Why did I think beach day would be fun? Argh!! I should have never agreed to this. Now Riley knows I am a freak and will never talk to me. Her eyes and face showed the two emotions I am very familiar with, query and pity. Neither of these I want to face yet. I will not tell her and I sure as hell do not need her pity. She is my friend, but friends don't pity each other, do they?

You might ask why? What is wrong with the skin on those parts of my body? Well it's a one word answer my dear dad. He had a habit of showing his love and care for me specially on those parts. Because I can hide them properly. Now I did not know that for a long time. And now, now I have proofs on my skin of his love and care. Some of them faded and some real nasty and gnarly ones are there to stay for forever. That is one of the reasons I never went to pool parties or beaches, I never even wore tank tops much less swim wear. I was not allowed to and then I did not want to. It was not to protect my dad. Or maybe a little. Why would I protect such a monster? Well I used to think that when you love someone you show them the care just like my dad shows me, by beating the crap out of me. I was so sure that was how love worked. His sick twisted ways of showing care ruined me. But I never thought twice about it till I was fifteen years old. That is when I started to question it. Question everything my dad did? Question my ways of responding to bullying. High school changed me.

The first thing I learned in high school was that I was bullied in middle school, that shocked me. I thought my bullies were my friends. Then I realized my dad's beating are just that beatings. Those are not ways of showing care. But I was in denial and it took me almost a year to come to terms with the fact that my father is an abusive asshole who does not actually love or care for me. When I realized this, I was somewhere around sixteen. It was not too late, but the darkness of this knowledge almost swallowed me whole. Because I thought my mom never cared for me and my dad who I loved so much actually does not care for me at all. In fact, he hates me. That is not something fun to learn for a sixteen-year-old, especially for one who goes to high school every day pretending to be someone she is not. All my life I have been pretending. But I just didn't know it, not until I came here.

I can fight my battles. I am strong, I can fight and would probably beat someone to protect myself. But not my dad. Never my dad. Why you ask? Well I did not want to become him. For some reason I thought if I beat him, I would be letting that darkness swallow me whole and I will never be able to get out. Now I do not know if it a right thought or a wrong one. I never got to prove my theory. I never even wanted to...well until that night. The night that all hell broke loose and everything changed for me. I think for the better though. Huh! So maybe I should have protected myself earlier as well. But that night I did not protect myself, I protected someone else from the wrath of my father. Because I once pledged to myself that I will never hit him back and will take his 'care' for as long as I can if and only if he never touches another soul. That night I remembered something, a memory flashed before my eyes, before I saw him hit someone else in front of me. Someone who even though I hated, this person was someone important in my life. Because this person has something I never had before now, a happy smile.