Loving the Bad

Chapter 40

Tito Alaric's word made me think for the whole week. It struck me. It hit me big time.

I wasn't able to get out of my apartment during my off day because I couldn't find the strength to socialize with my friends. Although my friends, specially Gabe kept on bugging me to go out, I declined.

My whole day during my day off was spent with nothing but thinking. Kung hindi ako tulala ay nag-iisip ako. Doon ko tinuon ang buong araw ko.

What if Kai's explanation is what I really need? Paano kung hindi pa pala ako nakaka move on tulad ng sinsabi ko? What if I am just denial of my own feelings?

Hell, because I know if I truly have moved on, I would not have any of this ugly feelings within me. I can't even look at Kai's eyes. I can't even bare to look at him. Whenever I talk or look at him all I remember is pain.

Am I acting bitter?

Am I the one to blame here? Because I am really acting like a toxic bitch who doesn't want to here any explanation.

I know this is toxic. I should not be holding any feelings— grudge against Kai. I should be mature and accept that he left me for Febbie.

I should be mature enough to accept that he fucking left me for someone else.

But I can't fucking find my maturity.

"Okay ka lang?" Nawala ako mula sa malalim na pag-iisip nang mag salita si Franscesca.

I don't know.

Bahagya akong ngumiti sa kaniya at tumango. Tinignan ko ang dala niyang paper bag at bulaklak. Pagtingin ko pa lamang doon ay alam ko na kung kanino galing 'yon at kung para kanino.

"This guy is really consistent, huh?" Ngumisi siya at ibinaba sa table ko ang dala-dala. "Sayang at ipinapamigay mo lang, Amara!" Ngumiwi siya sa akin.

Umalis na din si Franscesca dahil mayroong tumawag sa kaniya na doktor.

Tinignan ko ang pagkain at bulaklak na muling ipinadala ni Kai sa akin. This is now the third week. Tatlong linggo na niya akong pinapadalan ng mga ganito. Tatlong linggo ko na din na ipinapamigay ang mga 'yon sa iba kong kasamahan. Ngunit ngayon araw ay napagpasyahan kong hindi muna ipamigay iyon.

Kinain ko ang pagkain na bigay niya at itinabi ang bulaklak.

May napansin akong isang note na nakalagay sa bulaklak. Kinuha ko iyon para basahin.

To: Amara

I hope you are doing good, Amara. Please take care of yourself. I know you won't probably read this. I'm just taking my luck.

Soar up high, doctor.

- Kai Thierrey Vasquez

Itinago ko ang note na iyon sa bulsa ng aking coat bago napagpasyahan na umalis na ng ospital. Tapos na naman ang duty ko.

To: Stacie

I'm coming

Wala akong pasok bukas kaya sasama ako sa kanila. I just wanted to get really wasted and to forget what I'm feeling even just for a moment.

Alcohol has always been a good companion.

From: Stacie

That's my girl!

Naligo ako sa apartment at nag-ayos ng sarili. I wore a red velvety satin dress. I matched it with my black heels and a black sling bag.