Don't Cry

027

When I decided to confess my feelings to him, I didn't even think of the possible outcomes. All I ever care is how should I be able to do it. Kaya ko nga siya pinapunta rito sa playground dahil hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kanya sa bahay nila.

What if may makakita?

What if may makarinig?

Baka lumubog na lang ako sa kahihiyan kapag nalaman ko. But I didn't expect this reaction of his. Or maybe I am just expecting too much.

Tulad nang ginawang pag-iintindi ni Kit sa akin, maybe I should extend the same courtesy to Lay. Not everything is going to happened according to plan even how perfect one could plan it out.

"Mira," he called my name. Dati ay parang lumilipad ako sa ulap kapag naririnig ko 'yon galing sa kanya, hindi ko inaasahan na makakapagdala pala 'yon sa akin ng matinding sakit sa ganitong pagkakataon.

"N-naiintindihan ko. I understand if you don't feel the same way to me now. Isa pa ay matagal na rin naman iyon. It is just, I expected too much that I didn't think of like this as a result," I said while I couldn't even look into his face.

"I love you, Mira. I really do."

Napatingin ako sa kanya. Naghihintay sa susunod niyang sasabihin dahil kung talaga ngang totoo ang sinasabi niya, I am really sure that he has good reasons for not accepting my love for him.

"But I know I am not the one who can make you happy."

"Ano bang pinagsasabi mo?"

"You're not in love with me. I can feel it. You are just stucked up with your definition of love that you thought I am the one that holds your heart, but in reality, I am not."

"Lay." This time I am the one who softly called his name.

He gave me a smile, a sad one. "Your eyes never twinkle when you are looking at me, but it does when it comes to him. You tell me stories, but it is nothing compared when you are talking with him. You smile and laugh with me, but it can never be compared when you are with him. Yes, you cry on my shoulders countless of times, but it is because I am the one whose present at those time. I am sure na kung papipilian ka kung kanino mo gustong umiyak, you would always choose him."

I am still looking at him dumbfoundedly because of the things that I am hearing from him. And when I thought that he is already finished talking, he still continues.

"I know that I play a huge part in your life but it must remain like that forever. If you can't see it or maybe you does, you just don't want to accept it. In reality, he is the one you truly loves. You are just settling with me because I am the easier choice, that you will take a bigger risk if you choose him. Mas marami kayong pinagdaanan kumpara sa pinagdaanan nating dalawa. I understand if you are afraid to gamble it all for the sake of love."

I couldn't even bring myself to speak after he said those words. I couldn't even defend my feelings because everything he said is true. Maybe, just maybe, I am just stucked with my feelings for Lay that I didn't acknowledge what I have for Kit. Minahal ko si Lay eh. Minahal ko siya na sa tingin ko ay hindi ko na lang kayang basta-basta pakawalan iyon.

I keep on conditioning my mind that he is the one I love, thus I compel my heart to feel the same. Siguro nga, tama siya.

I am just afraid.

"If you are not yet sure of your feelings, take your time. But for me, I just said what I saw. At kung ako pa rin ang sa tingin mong nagmamay-ari ng puso mo, then I am going to accept your heart willingly. But for now, I wanted you to think it thoroughly again." And like the unusual times, he smiled at me. Then, he turned around and started walking away from.