DISPLACEMENT

Growth

AS I looked at my sleeping son, hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng lungkot at awa para dito. He doesn't deserve to be in this situation but I cannot do something to change our fate and be like other families, a normal family that I also wished to have when I was a kid. It's funny how history repeats itself.

"Mama, aalis na po ako. Baka malate pa ako sa work nito." Pagpapaalam ko kay Mama habang inaayos nag-aayos. Tumango naman ito at tumabi na kay Tim-tim sa pagkakahiga. Ayaw naman naming magising ito nang wala na ako sa tabi niya at baka mahirapan na naman akong umalis.

Habang nasa byahe I cannot stop myself frok thinking sa mga what ifs ko sa buhay. The thought of giving him a whole family is what I wanted but really impossible. Cluesless nga ako sa mga whereabouts ng ama nito.

"GOOD morning class! How's your weekend?" Nakangiti kong bungad sa kanila. Mabilis kong inaayos ang laptop ko then connected it to the room's flat screen TV.

"Sa tingin ko lahat naman kayo ay nakapagreview. No excuses dahil sinend ko yung powerpoint presentation ko last week. Bring out your one whole sheet of yellow paper. Yes one whole sheet, at oo yellow paper. You can use any color of pen except red. O baka itanong niyo pa kung pwedeng lapis, hindi po pwede and any form of erasures are prohibited.

The whole duration ng examination ay talaga namang tahimik at nakacomcentrate lang sila sa pagsagot sa mga tanong na nakaflash sa screen. "Yung mga tapos na pwede ng magbreak or magpunta ng library."

AFTER the exam and idismiss ang mga students na natira ay dumiretso na ako sa faculty. Ang next class ko ay mamaya pang ala una kaya naman makakapagpahinga ako ng mahaba-haba.

"Are you free next Saturday?" One of my colleague asked. Nag-isip naman ako kung may gagawin ba ako next Saturday so far wala naman kaya tumango ako.

"We want to invite you sana. We will be going into an Art Exhibit. Baka interesado kang sumama. Alam mo na to chill and have fun kahit minsan. We notice kase na you always go home straight after work." Actually since I was a child I am used to stay at home and only go out if it is necessary. I honestly don't socialize with other people because I kept myself in alone indife tge world I built thinking I am not like them because I am different and I shouldn't be woth them.

"Belle, you can share table with us." One of my classmate offered but I can see her friends eyes full of disapproval so, I shrugged and find another available table.

I always hear people talking about me at my back because they knew me as my father's adopted daughter not her real daughter. That's my darkest secret eversince inannounce nila sa public ang existence ko. I am like a time bomb with a safety pin.

Kaya mas pinili kong maging mag-isa at umiwas sa mga taong nakikipaglapit sa akin. Natatakot akong masira ang pinangangalagaang imahe ng Daddy ko. My stepmother once told me na hindi ako dapat makihalubilo sa iba dahil iba ako sa kanila. I am a sin na magdudulot lang ng gulo at hirap sa mga taong mapapalapit sa akin tulad nalang ng nangyayari sa pamilya nila. They are wrecked because of me and my father, my sisters and my steomom will forever suffer because of my existence.

I am raised and grew up differently. I used to think that I can't have a social life. Plus, I rarely talk to people pero I choose to become a teacher na malayong-malayo sa personality ko but maybe ito yung destined for me kaya nandito.

"Osige. Sabihan niyo nalang ako where and what time." Nagngitian naman sila and nagpalakpakan. "Yun, akala namin iiwas ka na naman e."

"DAD, I am very busy this past few weeks. Ask Kuya to have that deal." I am at my parents house because my father keep bugging me about stuffs.

"You are really useless!" My father's voices roared in the whole room where we are now. "You keep messing up things. You so dumb! Your brothers have their own families. Why can't you understand that it's you who I needed? If I just know you'll be this useles---"

"Do parents want to have children so that they could use them?" I asked. "What?" My mom looked at me confusedly.

"You dumbass!" My father hurriedly get up and punched me. "We shouldn't have you!" He said as he get out of the room.

My mom look at me with sad eyes but just like the old times she followed my father and leave me alone.

It saddens me everytime I think of things that I want to do for them but I keep messing up and disappointing them. How painful to be someone my parents expect me to be.

"Mommy, what time will Daddy go home?" As I look at the clock hangging on my bedroom's wall.

My mother gently brushed my hair with his fingers. "Maybe he'll go home late. Why, honey?"

I go to my study table and get my bag. I excitedly open the zipper and get my notebook. It says there that there would be an incoming family day next week. My mom weakly smiled at me. "Xerxes, di ba your Kuya Red have a quiz bee that day?" The little me nodded. "I think we cannot attend in that family day because we will go to your brother's competition to support him. I don't know what to react that time. Those little things are milestones for a six year-old me. I am envious seeing kids at my age having good time with their family in a family doing. No work just fun.

But as years past, I tried my best to be like my brothers and sister. To be an achiever. But unlike them I don't excel on academics but I am good at playing football and awarded Athletic Awards and won   The Heisman Memorial Trophy (is awarded annually to college football most valuable player by NCAA football) during college days but my dad keep on telling me to focus on my acads.

After an hour of looking at our family pictures.It saddens me knowing he can't appreciate the things I do. Maybe if I also have a high grades and achievements like my siblings. If I could just make my father smile proudly and not regret having me as his son I am the happiest person ever.

Reminding myself that I disappointed my parents because I clearly see na hindi ako fit to be part of their family shatters my heart into pieces.

Tinawagan ko ang taong binayaran ko to follow Belle's whereabouts. I actually follow her for month but I needed to go home just to be punched and scolded by my loving father.

"She's already at the Academy, Sir." Imporma nito. Pinatay ko na ang tawag at pumunta na sa work niya. Maybe I should try to win her back. Atleast give myself a shot of hope and happiness.

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We are all gift from God. Always remember you are loved. Children grow up in different directions, building a unique pace to achieve their dreams and goals in life. Don't ever think na hindi ka enough for something maybe it's not yet the right time. We need to be flexible in life to cope up and grow. Hindi porket ganun siya at ganun ang ineexpect ng mundo na gawin mo ay susundin mo, explore and discover. You are unique with you own ways. Godbless you 💕