Rays in the Dark

Quarrel

I am here, in this room with you, but all I want to do is leave. All I want is to run, to escape your menacing grin as you break into my mind, my soul, my life again. I try to back away. I scream at you, "How am I supposed to tell my friends, my doctor, my brother? How am I supposed to tell them I'm getting better if you keep coming back?" How do I begin to recover if I can't find my way out of the dark?

Maybe I could scream, but who would listen? Passersby wouldn't notice. How could they even know what to look for? They can't see the four walls I built to protect myself. They would never be able to understand how quickly my mind turned that sanctuary into a prison. All the world sees is the happy young woman I pretend to be when the lights go up.

You don't know how hard I'm fighting. I could tell you, but would you even listen? She didn't. He didn't. He laughed, and she rolled her eyes... so I gave up. Not for long, only for a little while, but I did see what it would feel like not to have to push and navigate my way through every moment of every day, no matter how many demons tried to push me down. I keep fighting. I keep fighting, no matter how many people scream for me to give up or tell me that I don't matter.

You ask me why I don't turn to you for help, but how could you understand? How do I even begin to explain how loud their words echo in my mind, claps of thunder shattering ear drums as I slam the door of the bathroom stall shut to take off the mask for just a minute, to let those tears fall for just a minute, without hearing him tell me to get out or grow up?

This world is supposed to be beautiful, so why am I finding demons around every corner? I have enough of those in my head. I couldn't possible handle anymore, but there they are. They are grinning at me with eyes so beautiful I could get lost in them, with daggers in their hands.

I want to run more than anything. I want to escape this hell, to be free again... but how do I free myself from my own mind?