The Great Escape

Kabanata 32

Kabanata 32

Coping-mechanism

The cold wind tickled my skin and like how the park was when I was here the last time, I could hear the giggles of the children playing around. A nostalgic feeling hit me when I heard their laughters.

Nasa tabi ko si Mommy na nakaupo sa malapit na bench at pinagmamasdan ang mga bata. May nurse aid din na nakaantabay sa amin di kalayuan.

More than ten years ago, I was also like those kids. I used to play around here with Mariette and Psalm. Simply enjoying life and not worrying about what could happen in the future. I was as innocent as them, I was as blissful as them.

But now, things have changed. I lost control over my body, and even the people closest to my heart.

There is a certain stillness, when even the gentle blow of the wind felt like a hurricane. It's been a long time since he last talked to me but the pain I feel deep down my heart was still the same.

"Anak, are you tired?"

Nilingon ko si Mommy na malayo ang tingin sa tabi ko. Makalipas kasi ng ilang minuto naming pananatili rito ay saka lang siya nagsalita.

I am. I am getting exhausted by the suffocating routine but I strive to live day after day.

Maybe I was a fool for not hearing his side of the story. For letting him go without asking what's going on. Na sana kinulit namin siya ni Psalm kung bakit siya biglang nawala.

Maybe some may think that I'm being overly-dramatic or selfish. Maybe I was like those girls who refused considering how good his heart is. Maybe some may think that it wasn't his fault that I was pitiful enough to draw him close to me.

But what can I do? I was ill and I'm choosing the easier path I know. It was letting go, without hearing any word from him. Because I know, more than anyone else, that I'm no good for him. It was only me who assumed that everything he did was more than just his pity. No. It was all about pity.

Or maybe it was my way of accepting my fate. Na kung iisipin kong naawa lang siya sa akin kaya niya ako sinasamahan, mas madali kong mapakakawalan ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

"Do you want to rest?"

Tears enveloped my eyes. I am not going to get better—I know that fact. At mas lalo akong nakumbinsi noon sa nagdaang buwan. Lumala nang lumala ang kondisyon ko at nahihirapan na ako. Pero pinipilit kong lumaban para sa kanila. Kasi ayoko silang iwan, lalo na si Mommy.

The tall trees stand and every leaf danced along with the blowing wind.
For hours, naupo lang kami ni Mommy doon.

"It's hard seeing you suffer every single day," pumiyok ang boses niya. "Y-Your illness is advancing way too fast, Sera. Dra. Feliza told me to prepare for the worst..."

The crashing waves of thoughts fell asleep, as if lost to the serenity of salty dreams. My shoulders shook as I cry with my Mom. I don't want her to see me cry but I couldn't hold it in anymore. So I did. We did.

"Natatakot ako, anak..." hinarap niya ako. "Hindi pa kita kayang pakawalan... At hindi ko alam kung kailan ako magiging handa na hayaan ka. Kasi ikaw ang buhay ko... Ikaw ang lahat sa akin, Sera."

Without Dad by his side, I know how harder it is for my Mom to deal with my condition. Mag-isa niya akong binubuhay at nahihirapan din akong nakikita siyang nasasaktan.

Mothers are strong. Oftentimes, we consider them as our own heroes. My Mom is my hero. But heroes can't always be strong, could they?

Superman's weakness is kryptonite. Ironman is dysfunctional without his heart and armor. Batman is powerless without his devices.