The Great Escape

Wakas

Wakas

In the last four years, it was really tough for me. I've been admitted in the Intensive Care Unit for 15 days now.

Hindi ko na nagawa pang makapagpaalam kay Seraiah.

Akala ko ayos na. I thought I getting better. Walang nangyaring episode sa akin sa nagdaang mga buwan bago ko alukin ng starsgazing adventure si Sera. Akala ko magiging maayos ang lahat at aayon sa mga plano ko. Kaso hindi. Nagkamali ako.

While I was waiting for my flight back to Manila, another episode occurred and I was asleep for at least a week. Mabuti na lamang ay nasa kalagitnaan ako noon ng tawag kay Mama. Mabilis na nakaresponde at naisugod agad ako sa ospital.

During the stay in the ICU and postdischarge, auditory hallucinations, confusion and behavioral problems were present. A diagnosis of postpartum psychosis was made, and I was put on risperidone 4 mg but when I made no response, sodium valproate was added. That presentation continued for months  but no benefits were made.

Until I fell asleep again, but this time, it was longer. Lumipas ang isang buwan hanggang sa umabot na ng dalawa. I was able to wake up after two months and did everything I could to not fall asleep, but excessive  sleepiness was trying to rule over me.

"Are you sure about this?" Si Psalm nang bisitahin niya ako sa kwarto ko pagkatapos nila akong makita ni Seraiah.

Tumango ako sa kanya at mabilis na isinuot ang jacket. Madi-discharge na ako mamaya at gagawin ko na ang dapat noon ko pa ginawa.

"You'll regret this. I can assure you—"

"Iyon lang ang tanging paraan na alam ko, Psalm. There was no other way to deal with it."

I heard him sigh. Humalakhak ako at isinuot ang cap bago binitbit ang duffel bag na nasa ilalim ng kama. Wala nang atrasan.

I have decided and there's nothing that can change my mind as of now. Hinarap ko na si Psalm para makapagpaalam pero naunahan niya akong magsalita.

"May tanong lang ako bago mo gawin 'yan," he looked at me. "Were your feelings for Seraiah sincere?"

I know I felt something inside me that I wasn't able to feel towards anyone. That only Seraiah could make me feel, and I wasn't aware if she feels the same.

That's why I took my time. I let it pass. I didn't try running after it.

Being with her was like engaging into an extreme adventure. Like we were both riding a rollercoaster cart and as it slowly rise up, we both feel the jittering fingers of nervousness in our stomachs. Anticipating an impactful fall once we reach the top and the cart goes down as we close our eyes and hold our breaths... Because I know that I have no power to stop what's coming. That before I know it, I am already falling.

Plunging as I put both of my hands in the air to swam in the sea of uncertain possibilities. And when I finally reached the last part of the ride, the huge smiles were still on my lips and I wanted to do it again. Just to feel the same feelings I felt throughout that ride.

When I lift my eyes towards her, I feel as if I was being dragged into a new world. That only her eyes could make me feel that moved. At that moment, I was sure of it. I couldn't stop myself.

I know I was willing to do anything to protect that sweet smile I see on her face. My feelings were sincere, that, I know, too. But this is the only way to make things easier for her.

"What do you think?"

Naglakad na ako papuntang pintuan at saka pinihit ang door knob para makalabas na. I looked at Psalm one last time and saw him shaking his head before I finally closed the door.