For Real? ✅

Chapter 43

LEAH

I wake up, drenched in sweat.

My eyes move around to see that I'm in the hospital room, and I fall back on my pillow. The window is open, and I see the trees outside, the wind rustling the leaves.

The serene forest, the mountain stream, Adam's wet spiky hair, me laughing at his jokes...

What have I done?

How can I do everything and still be alive?

No, I need to die.

My chest heaves as I rip off the oxygen mask, and the wires attached to me.

My hands feel the table, and I try to find the fork I had saved from lunch.

Suddenly, the doors burst open, and the nurses run towards me, seeing me awake.

I scream, these nurses never let me complete my mission, which is that I need to kill myself.

I NEED TO DIE.

Two of the nurses grab my shaking hands, while the third aims a syringe at my arm.

One of them closes the window.

Then I lose myself to the liquid in the syringe, falling into my familiar black void.

*****

Adam is next to me, his head on my shoulder.

"Will you leave me, L?" he whispers.

I don't answer. How can I tell him that he's imaginary?
That he's the reason I need to die.

Because, as long as I am alive, he will be in my head too...

He lifts his face and looks at me with his jewel-like hazel eyes.

"Will you leave me, Leah? Are you going to die?" He repeats, more insistent.

His face then transforms into mine, my green eyes cold.

"You can never kill yourself, you are a coward!" My face yells at me, spitting out accusations.

I wake up, crying loudly, knowing that nothing made sense anymore.

*****

My porridge feels tasteless. My mom is watching me carefully, waiting to see if I would start screaming.

The window is closed for some reason. I would like it to be open.

When I ask the nurse to do so, her eyes widen and she walks away.

"Do you remember why you are here, Leah?" Dr Scharf asks later, her face calm.

I shake my head.
I don't remember anything.
I just know that I've done something terrible to myself.

She begins to explain my relationship with Adam, and my breath quickens with every sentence.

I had imagined it all.

I had put myself through so much pain.

"The only thing you need to do is to wake up from your world, Leah. That's what everyone wants." Dr Scharf says.

Why was I still alive? I should have died...

"No. I'm a danger to myself." I start.

"No, Leah. What you have done is bad, but not bad enough for you to kill yourself. Do you understand?"

I stay silent.

I didn't want to kill myself either.

But I had to.

*****

Adam is in front of me, a drink in his hand.

"Leah, I don't want you to blame yourself for all that had happened." He says seriously.

"If you think about it, this relationship gave you much more happiness than any other you've had so far."

I look at him, feeling the guilt slowly ebb away. He is right, it was one of the best relationships that I have ever had.

"I want you to live, Leah. I want you to fall in love and have real relationships with real people."

Real relationships.
That's what it could never be.

"I want you to experience everything, in reality, every thought, every feeling. And suicide is never a solution for this."

"I know, Adam. I regret the fact that I'd tried to kill myself." I reply, taking a sip of my drink.

Adam smiles at me.

*****

Tess visits me later, looking somewhat happy.

"What?" I ask her.

She pauses, thinking of whether she should tell me or not. Then she shakes her head and speaks.

"Greg is Bi."

"Oh." I think, then it strikes me. "Oh!" I say again, my eyes wide.

Tess nods at me.

"He didn't fake those kisses, after all, he loved me too. Everything was real, the way it should be." Tess says with ecstasy.

Her words bother me more than it should.

*****

I see Adam again, and we are sitting side by side.

We don't talk, instead of revelling in the quiet of our surroundings, surrounded by clouds, a place ethereal and heavenly.

This is all in my head.

"It wasn't natural, Adam." I seem to be telling him.
"Our relationship had no flaws, no fights, no tears. We may call ourselves as star-crossed lovers, but if it had to be for real?" I ask him.

He stays silent, waiting for me to continue.

"Perfect relationships don't exist, and this is exactly what it is," I say firmly.

"My work here is done," Adam smiles knowingly, his eyes shining. He leans forward and gives me one last kiss on my lips.

"Goodbye, Leah." He whispers.

My breath gets caught in my throat.
"Bye, Adam."

Before I know it, I see Adam walking away, growing fainter and fainter until I couldn't see him any more.

I can't help but think that this relationship was perfect, even till the very end.

*****

It's been a week since I was in the hospital.

Dr Scharf's been talking to me while I was sleeping, her words echoing in my dreams.

I feel like it's a very effective technique because it's all those conversations I've been supposedly having with Adam.

Who, by the way, hasn't come back in my dreams since the last goodbye.

I try to think of his face, but it's already a fading memory. I draw what was left of him in my sketchbook.

My parents have spoken to my teachers, so I am excused from going to college for the remaining duration.

I have to submit five art pieces though, and it takes up a lot of my time, along with my therapy sessions.

Helen had also excused me from working at Betty's. Moreover, she had sent me a box of cupcakes, which I found rather surprising, as I thought Helen hated me.

Tess visits me frequently, often complaining about how boring lunch was without me.

"Penelope is sweet, but she's no fun. She keeps gossiping all day," Tess complains.

"I thought you liked to gossip?" I raise my eyebrows.

"Not anymore. Rumours don't define a person." Tess shrugs. "Greyes did sell you drugs, but she cared about you too."

"If you say so," I reply, picking up my brush.

I proceed to paint my sky full of stars.