Lullabies in December (Behind The Month #2)

16

16, About my past

I didn't reply to him anymore. I didn't know what to say.

Still I kept thinking about his last text on that late afternoon though. I know I shouldn't make it a sort of a big deal. There's nothing wrong if he'll use that name of mine to call me.

It's just that... I've expected him to use the most common name that people use on me, or the one which is known by many... Ace.

Ace Lacerna.

I scratched on my chin gently using my clean finger while holding the paintbrush properly, making its tip away from my face. I'm back on my painting session. Lately, the incident was still in my head even when I'm asleep.

I didn't want to follow Olga's suggestion about me, consulting to a psychiatrist or something to solve this because I'm sure I'll get over this eventually. Maganda na ang magpalipas ng oras. Maglilibang ako para maiwasan ng maisip ang nangyari nang gabing iyon.

What just bothered me the most, the one that I despised to recall was the voice of that man... and the way he knocked on my car like a beast.

It was more difficult for me to sleep at night too. Maybe because I was alone, I had a worry that someone might barge in all of a sudden and I'll be harmed once again. No one will be here to protect me. I can ask for help, cry, rather. But in the end, I'd only have myself.

That's why I need to be strong.

My mind was sailing on nowhere so I was startled a bit when I saw that the paint brush that I was holding was now pressed on the canvass. My hand was resting now above my knee. Nabahiran tuloy ng pulang pintura ang ilalim na bahagi ng canvass.

I shook my head and took some deep breaths. I can do this.

I can face this battle like how I did on the previous ones. Christmas day is approaching so I'm now making a portrait of my dear mother.

Somehow, it makes me happy that what I'm doing is her beautiful face right in front of me. It's so timely. I needed to see this face during this difficult time of my life.

My core strength. I smiled, a wide and bright one... the one she likes seeing. I didn't want to make a messy portrait for my core strength so I took the canvass out of the wooden stand to place a new one.

I would need to start all over again but it's fine. I love seeing her face. I would never get tired of doing her portrait.

It's been a week now since the last time that I've talked with Safe. Olga has visited me thrice in this week because she just can't help but to worry about me. Now, she's really telling me about it.

"You can go with me, Ace... if you don't want me to stay here. My family will love you..." I didn't know she was able to say that to me.

She came here last Friday, morning, and was bringing a bag of fresh fruits. It was so heartwarming to hear what she said, but then I can't give in.

"You can celebrate Christmas with us. Sumama ka na..." she added while following me around.

I was busy mopping the floor then, all sweaty and tired but I just can't stop. I was so desperate to tire every part of my body just so I can have a proper sleep at night.

Tinanggihan ko si Olga. So, now I'm still here. The sky's playing with its amazing colors as the sun bids goodbye to give way for the moon. I can see it from my big window inside my room, opened again with the curtains following the wind coming that's coming through.

Natapos ko ang sketch ng mukha ni mama bago ako bumaba para magluto ng makakain ko. Some days I would just order for my food but because cooking is therapeutic too, mostly I'll still prefer doing it on my own to divert my mind.