Lullabies in December (Behind The Month #2)

35

Warning: contains sex/matured content.

35, Letting him go

Having sex with your partner in a relationship is never a must. I know that too well. But I wanted it to happen between the two of us all because I aimed to make him realize that it is true... that I'm indeed no longer pure. I don't want him to play blind about that truth. I wanted him to feel it. And I wanted to see his reaction.

Isa pang rason ko kaya gusto kong mangyari na iyon ay dahil gusto ko ring ipaalam sa sarili kong... baka nga totoo... na sa kabila ng napakaraming tao sa mundo na kinamumuhian ako... at least may isang taong talagang tanggap ako. I wanted to prove myself that.

The question is, was I able to achieve those?

"Of course... I know..." si Olga at mabagal na ngumisi. Tumikhim siya nang hindi nagbago ang ekspresyon ko. "I know but... I refused to believe the hearsays, those of course. Alam mo naman ako. I'm actually waiting for you all this time... you know, na sabihin mo ang estado niyong dalawa ni Safe. Ayaw kong pangunahan ka."

I stared at my drink on the table. Today, I agreed to meet her at the nearest mall and so we could finally spend time together. Ang tagal na rin kasi noong huli. I smiled tightly and heard her release a short chuckle.

"Hey, betty booty?" she snapped her fingers in front of me. "Baka problemahin mo pa ang sinabi ko, ha? It's fine. You're not... required to tell everybody about what's going on with your life. 'Saka inisip ko, bago pa lang din naman yata kayo so... I thought you're, you know..." sabay lapag niya sa hangin ng isang palad at binaliktad iyon ng ilang ulit. "You're... trying to see what happens first before telling it to people. I'm like that so... maybe ganoon din ang naging plano mo. But it's okay... I mean... I'm glad you told me about it today."

"Right..." sumimsim ako mula sa aking inumin at napaisip nang husto sa kanyang sinabi.

Tama siya. Bago pa lang kami ni Safe. Pero kahit ganoon, parang ang tagal na. Parang ang tagal tagal na.

I sighed softly and stared at the view from the other side of the mall. These people are so happy. I smiled a bit and really tried to join in the conversation with Olga again as we both continued finishing our food.

Next year would be her final year in college and Safe has also ended his this year. Ang graduation niya ang hinihintay na lang naming lahat. I feel so happy for them although I wonder if I can make it to the end even if I no longer have them with me at school.

"Why did you refuse the offer?" mahina kong tanong habang nasa kalagitnaan kami ni Olga ng pag-iikot sa mga clothing stores.

Her lips twitched. "You know I hate the spot light... fame... whatever you call it. I'm fine like this. That's a big agency. Maraming mga sikat na talents doon but no, ayoko 'no." sabay tawa niya. "Baka sumikat din ako. Err... no... I don't want that. It's true, 'di ba? The more popular you are, the more responsibility it gives you! So, no thanks. Oh! What- Ang ganda nito, oh!"

I silently stared at her as she walked towards a rack that's filled with lacy tops. She's told me an agency contacted her, asking if she's interested in joining the modelling field or industry but she said no to it.

"Ace, dito! Help me decide... Parang gusto ko lahat!"

I was with Olga for hours and she actually bought so much stuff, which I already expected. I just got myself some skin care products though before we both called it a day. Habang pauwi ako ay naalala ko ang naging pag-uusap naming dalawa sa resto'ng iyon. I already told her that Safe and I are together, finally. Akala ko pa nga ay aasarin niya ako o hindi kaya'y maiinis dahil hindi ko ibinahagi sa kanya ang bagay na iyon kaagad. I know that my trust issue is an open matter to her so I thought she'll think I don't trust her still. But then as the nervousness started crawling up on my skin while I watched her reaction, she just stared back at me silently, then a gentle smile appeared on her face as she nodded slowly. It was just like that- no violent reactions or something. She exhaled softy then and when I raised my brow at her, she just smiled again.