Lullabies in December (Behind The Month #2)

17

17, My present

I had a good sleep. I didn't wake up feeling like my body's heavy or something.

I'm probably just exhausted and it was last night when my body finally felt everything I did from the past few days. I don't wanna conclude that it was Safe's singing video which has caused me to get a proper sleep at last after so many nights of fighting against my insomnia.

Drained ang battery ng phone ko pagkagising ko. I had to charge it first before going downstairs. For the whole day, it was still the usual everyday activities that I did. I cooked my food, watered the plants in and out of the house, did some chores, then locked myself inside my room to do my painting stuff.

Christmas is so near yet the only thing I can think of is my mom's birthday. I don't know if I'm going to buy some food or ingredients to cook delicious meals on Christmas Eve or what. I am all alone in here so I can't see myself putting different food in bowls on the table. Siguro... ang favorite food na lang ni mama ang lulutuin ko.

I was done with her painting after almost two days. After that, I had to get my attention back on academic stuff again. We were given a major plate even though it's holiday season. Big sizes of papers were on my bed... floor... my things were basically everywhere in my room.

Tuwing nagda-draft ako, ang mga videos ni Safe ang pinakikinggan ko. Kung saang cabinet lang nakapatong ang phone ko habang naka-play ang video niya habang kumakanta at nagigitara. Nothing fancy or special. I just like his voice.

And I know that I'm not the only one who does. Sa dami ng comments sa mga posts niya, may mga heart emojis pa... sigurado na iyon.

At night it's ridiculous but I would also play his videos while I'm on the bed, knocking on the doors of my smooth sailing dream. His voice became my lullabies indeed in this lonely month of December.

I celebrated Christmas alone, as well as the new year. I was just sending pictures to my mother because she declined my request for a face time. I'm used to it but I honestly thought we'd be able to do it this time. It hit another nerve in my heart but there's nothing I can do about it still. Kung ayaw niya... hindi ko na muna ipipilit at baka manlumo lang siya.

I would only exchange greetings with her and Olga.

To: Mama

Happy birthday mama! Merry Christmas!! You mean the world to me!!! I am truly lucky and blessed to have such a strong mother like you! I love you. Here's my gift for you, ma. I'll be sending it to you and you just have to relax and wait for it hehe! Mwaaa!

I sent a picture of the portrait I did for her through online after that. She greeted me back since it's Christmas and told me how happy she was because of my gift.

Fr: Olga

Merry Christmas, pretty ass! Too bad you didn't wanna join me in my escapades but yeah I understand. Send my greetings to your mom!

To: Olga

Yes I will. Merry Christmas to you and your family too!

That was how my Christmas day went. Nasa bahay lang ako at creamy carbonara lang din 'tsaka tinapay ang nakahain sa mesa. Ganoon din ang nangyari sa pagdaos ng new year. Parang normal na mga araw ko lang dahil nga ako lang naman mag-isa sa hapag habang ang mga neighbors ko ay naririnig ko ang mga masasayang boses at tawanan nila kasama ng mga mahal nila sa buhay.

The first time that I have done all this alone, spent these special occasions on my own... it was so heartbreaking. Masakit pa rin naman at tila hindi na nga iyon maaalis sa'kin pero sinasanay ko na ang sarili kong maging mag-isa.