My Saviour

1

TW's this chapter:
-Anxiety
-Panic attack
-Mentions self harm
-Depression/suicidal thoughts

TW's are above every chapter and also when the TW starts. If you are sensitive for any of those subjects, please either skip or don't read the parts where a TW is given. Some TW's are basically for this whole chapter (mentions of anxiety, mentions of self harm and mentions of suicidal thoughts as well as depression).

I woke up, my day started the same as always. I felt anxious and depressed. I sighed and stood up. I just wanted to lay down and stay in bed the whole day, but I knew that wouldn't make anything better. I didn't feel like taking a shower and I walked downstairs. I was too tired to prepare some food, so I just ate an apple.

I directly felt more anxious when I realised what day it was. It was Friday, which meant: my shopping day. There was only one day in the week I left my house to go to the supermarket. I hated it, all those people around me. Stupid grownups with a smile, acting like they cared. Well they didn't. Then all those annoying, little children. They came way too close to me.

I sighed again and looked down at my clothes. I was wearing the same shirt as I was for a week and just some old sweatpants. I didn't feel like changing them. I prepared everything and stepped outside. The anxiousness directly got higher. What if someone asked me something? I was not going to talk back, I would rather run away.

I put on my black coat and put the hood on, burying my face. With my bags, I walked to the supermarket. It was pretty close, what made me happy because I didn't have to walk around outside for too long. I walked seven minutes when I arrived at the supermarket. I mentally prepared myself the whole walk to go inside and just put on a fake smile. When someone would talk to me, I would just pretend I didn't hear them and walk away.

I walked inside and looked around me. I already prepared the route, so I wouldn't have to wander around for a long time. I followed the path I prepared and quickly put all groceries in my bags. I wanted to follow my path quickly and go to cash desk, but I saw a random boy coming closer to me. Anxiety came up and I decided to change my route. I needed to avoid that random guy.

'Hey,' he said.

I turned away from him, acting like I was busy on the phone. After a few seconds I started slowly walking away.

'Hey, you good?'

He had an American accent. What was that idiot doing in England? I didn't reply and watched my shoes. I didn't know what to do. Answer? Walk away? Ignore?

'I'm talking to you,' he said. His hand waved in front of my eyes. I squeezed my one hand and started biting my nails on the other.

'Are you alright?'

'H-h-hey,' I stuttered. I was getting a panic attack if he wasn't leaving right now.

'Are you good?'

'Yes.'

'I'm Clay.'

TW MINOR PANIC ATTACK (very short, so just skip to TW over)

I couldn't take it anymore. I let go of my bags and ran outside. I still had some food left at home, I could go next week and skip this week. I kept running until I was far away from the supermarket. I fell onto the ground, breathing heavily. Why? Why was I like this? He tried being nice, but I hated him. That stupid smile, why me? He could have picked another victim.

TW OVER

I sat down for a few minutes and let my breathing calm down again. I closed my eyes for a little and enjoyed the sun. I never sat down in the sun, I always laid down in bed. Well, one thing for sure. That boy would never want to talk with me again after I ran off. Clay, I disliked everything about him. He could have talked with anyone, but me. I hated him for that.

I felt my breathing go back to normal, I calmed down. Just when I wanted to go back home, I heard a voice. No, not again.

'Hey, you!' it screamed.

I looked up. It was the stupid boy. His dirty blond hair and his eyes, I guessed it was green, since yellow eyes was a pretty weird thing. He could probably get all the girls in the world, why did he have to talk to me?

'Hey,' he said out of breath when he stood next to me.

I didn't look up, instead of looking up, I rolled my eyes and watched my hands.

'I got you your groceries. I paid for them and got the other things of your list too.' He put the bags next to me and sat down.

Go away, everything in me screamed. I just didn't talk, I didn't know what to say and I would panic if I would think too much about it.

'Did I scare you just then? I didn't mean to.'

'I don't know.'

I scratched my skin with my nails.

'Don't do that, you're bleeding,' Clay said.

I shrugged.

'What's your name?'

'George.'

'Nice to meet you, George.' He held out his hand to shake mine. I didn't look at him and shook his hand for a second. I completely tensed up. I hated this so much, I wished I stayed in bed this morning. I didn't want anyone touching me ever again. Definitely not this random guy.

'I like your jacket,' Clay said.

'It's old.' I hated myself for talking back. I promised myself I would never open up to someone ever again. I couldn't trust him, I could trust nobody.

'It's nice, it fits you well.'

'Thanks.'

Stop talking with him, idiot. Walk away.

My head kept screaming at me, but I couldn't move. I felt paralysed.

'George, would you like to hang out sometimes?'

He was going way too quickly. I started shaking and breathing quicker.

'Sorry, keep calm. I don't force you. You just seem like a nice guy.'

'Eh.'

He suddenly took a pen from his pocket and grabbed something from his bag. He started writing on a small piece of paper.

'Here, if you want, you can call or text me.'

'Thanks.' I took the piece of paper and stood up. I started walking away.

'Wait, you're bags.'

'Thanks.'

I pulled the bags out of his hands and started running. I felt his eyes sticking in my back as I ran away. I couldn't trust him. I just couldn't. I am never opening myself up to anyone anymore. I will never, it will only be used against me. I ran towards my apartment and walked inside completely out of breath. I hated everything. I threw my shoes away and threw the coat on the ground.

I ran upstairs and laid down in bed. I realised I was still holding the bags. I put them down next to my bed. Even though some things had to be put in the fridge, I didn't care. I would stay here for the rest of the week. I hated everything. I hated him, I hated Clay.

That stupid smile, that stupid face. He probably was a popular guy, he just tried bullying me. Just getting into my life and then let me down. As everyone, as everyone always does and did. I hated him.

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