My Saviour

10

TW's this chapter:
-Anxiety
-Panic attacks
-Homophobia
-Depression/suicidal thoughts
-Self harm

'Dream. I'm- I'm gay.'

Dream let go of me and looked me in my eyes, whilst holding my shoulders.

'George, I literally don't care. There is no single part in my body that cares about you being gay. Nothing changed for me. Nothing. I would never leave you for such a thing.'

'Why has anyone else?'

'I don't know, George. I really don't. But I literally don't mind.'

'But everyone was so disgusted because I like boys.'

'Why would I be disgusted?'

'Because I fall in love with boys and not girls.'

'So?'

'Everyone hates me.'

'I don't care about everyone, I still want to be your friend.'

'Did you already know I am gay?'

'I suspected it, but I don't judge.'

'How did you know? Everyone always seems to know. Just be honest, it won't hurt me, I only want to know how everyone can see.'

'You just don't seem like the typical guy to be interested in girls and I saw you staring at some guys.'

'Did I?'

'Do you like someone, Georgie?'

'No, only friendly. I blocked my feelings.'

'Do I know him?'

'Maybe.'

Dream smiled and watch at me teasingly.

'I didn't stare though.'

'Not exactly stare, but just. I could see you were more attracted to boys than girls.'

'Why does everyone calls me a faggot?'

'I don't know. They are just homophobic bastards.'

'Thanks for accepting me.'

'I don't see why I wouldn't.'

'You are the first one who accepts me. My parents kicked me out, because they read my diary. I know that's childish, but I liked it. I wrote about a boy I liked and they read that. That boy was actually working with me and I was staring at him at work and I got fired.'

'How did it turn out with the boy?'

'Nothing much, I guess. He was nice to me, but I never saw him after I got fired.'

'Have you had any boyfriends before?'

'Not officially. I liked a boy when I was 16 and he was also gay, we spent some time together, but I never asked him out or the other way around.'

'Have you ever had your first kiss before?'

'Eh- why?'

'Just asking.'

'I haven't.'

He looked me closely in my eyes. I didn't know what to do. It went completely quiet for a few minutes. He smiled at me and started driving again without saying anything.

'Why?' I asked.

'I just think you look good today.'

I smiled. We drove back home and it was pretty late when we got there. Dream decided to cook for me. We ate together and Dream left. I felt sad and lonely without him, even though I didn't even want to talk to strangers just a day ago.

I laid down in bed, because I was really tired. I was too tired to record a video with Dream. I was only thinking about my day with Dream. I liked it so much and I knew for sure I wanted to be friends with him, but did he too? We didn't talk about it after and it was killing me.

TW PANIC ATTACK, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, HOMOPHOBIA AND SELF HARM (Skip to the end of this chapter if you are sensitive for these subjects!).

His arms around my shoulders, his sweet words and compliments. How could he be more perfect? I just hoped he'd want to be my friend, but I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up. He was going to leave me soon. I suddenly got mad. How could I even believe this. Nobody would ever want to be with me, no one. Why he? Why him? Why did I believe it? Why did I even go with him? I hated myself. This is why I don't talk to strangers, it will always end up bad.

I looked around, Dream installed my PC. I started crying, everything reminded me of him. Why did I go with him? I was so stupid.

'I HATE MYSELF,' I screamed. I started hitting myself and scratched my skin until blood dripped down the floor. I hit my fist multiple times on the ground and felt a panic attack coming up. Why was I so stupid?

'WHY?'

I washed the blood of my arms and cried harder and harder. How could I be so stupid? Why did I like it? I freaking loved it.

I cried for several minutes whilst having a panic attack. I calmed down after an hour and I suddenly heard the doorbell ring. Was it Dream? Was he coming to talk with me?

I ran downstairs and opened the door without looking. I startled when I realised it wasn't Dream, but his ex. I wanted to close the door, but she was already in my house. I startled and almost fell. Why was she here?

'Hey, faggot. Listen to me very carefully. You are going to break all contact with Clay, because I will tell everyone you're gay.'

'I only know Clay.'

'What would Clay's friends think of your past? And your "friendship".'

My eyes got bigger. How did she know?

'And you know what? Since I'm the only one who knows, I can just twist the truth a little and everyone will hate you.'

'You won't.'

'What do you think about: you forced him into friendship, because you are so lonely.'

'To who would you tell that?'

'You'll see.'

'Go away.'

'What are going to do? Cut yourself and cry?' She pointed at my arms.

'Leave.'

'I know where you live.'

'Leave.'

I pushed her to the door and she walked away. 'Goodbye, faggot.'

When she walked away, I directly went back to crying and I panicked again. I didn't know what to do anymore. It was all going downhill again because of myself. I shouldn't have trusted him, I definitely shouldn't have gone with him. It was my fault, I should have stayed with my own rules. I hated myself, I really did. I felt like dying again, but I didn't even mind. I wish I would die. I just wish I would.

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