My Saviour

3

TW's this chapter:
-Anxiety
-Panic attack
-Mentions self harm
-Depression/suicidal thoughts
-Homophobia

TW PANIC ATTACK/SUICIDAL THOUGHTS (Skip to TW OVER if you're sensitive for this).

I hated my anxiety so much. I started shaking and hyperventilating. I was getting a panic attack again. I felt like dying, maybe it was even better for me to die. I was so depressed, I didn't have a normal life. Getting outside to was so difficult. I hated everything. I didn't have air anymore and my breathing got higher. I sounded like dying and that was exactly how I felt too.

I cried harder and harder and started screaming. 'I HATE EVERYTHING.'

I didn't want to have anxiety anymore, but all those annoying people from the past... everyone betrayed me, Clay was going that too, I knew that for sure. I couldn't trust him and I knew that. I knew that and I shouldn't have given in to him. I shouldn't have spoken with him in the first place.

The panic attack went away after an hour and I was completely exhausted. I felt like dying constantly. Everything made me so scared. I hated living, I didn't want to live like this. I was always anxious, it was driving me insane. I wanted to trust Clay so bad, but I knew I couldn't. If I would trust him, I would definitely get betrayed and my anxiety would only get worse.

TW OVER

I decided to read Clays last text when I calmed down.

Clay
You sure you are alright?

You
Eh, yeha i guesn i an

Clay
What's that typing?

You
Nohiting

Clay
Are you okay? We can meet up in the park and just chill a little

You
Eh

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to, but I was too scared.

You
Sure

I said it against my feelings and everything. I didn't now why I even said sure. I could only hate myself more than I already did.

Clay
What about 1 pm in the park? Eat something together?

You
Ok

I looked at the time and saw it was 12 pm. I had one hour.

Clay
I'll bring some food. If you want to bring something you can, but I have enough for you too

You
Okay

I started preparing everything and took the bread I bought this morning. It was still a little warm. I put it in a bag and made myself a bottle of water. I walked downstairs, even such a small movement was too much. I felt insecure about my clothes and hair. I walked to the bathroom and put a little water in my hair to make it seem a little less messy. I wanted to change clothes, but I was too tired for that.

It soon was a little before 1 pm and I started slowly walking to the park with my bag with the two little pieces of bread. I held my water bottle in my other hand. When I arrived in the park, I already saw Clay sitting on a carpet in the grass.

'Here, George,' he shouted.

I walked towards him, I completely tensed up again. Anxiety overtook me. I sat down next to him.

'Have you been crying?' Clay asked me.

I shrugged.

'What's wrong?' Clays hand touched my shoulder. I turned away from him and his hand slid of my shoulder.