You know those moments in class, where the teacher calls on you, and you know the answer, you're just not able to make the words come out. And you can feel everybody is staring at you, thinking 'How stupid can she be?'
That's how I feel right now. My moms eyes search mine, for an answer on why I didn't tell her. "Dylan already set up a court date." I blurt out.
"Oh, sweetie." My mom comes over and hugs me. I forgot the last time she hugged me. She used to hug me a lot, when I was little. I've missed her hug.
-----
Dylan's P.O.V.
I watch her. She's spread across her bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, as if she's questioning her whole life. I guess in a way it can be found peaceful, to stare into nothing, blocking out the whole world, forgetting about your problems. Truthfully, we all need a break from reality. But eventually, we're going to have to come back. We're going to have to snap back into it, open our eyes, because that's just the way you have to get through life, by pushing yourself, otherwise you'll be stuck in the same spot.
"Ashley, can I take you somewhere?" Her eyes flicker over in the direction in standing, but she quickly goes back to focusing on the ceiling.
"Is it another mystery place?"
"Yeah, but it's something I need to show you. Somebody I'd like you to meet."
She takes a deep breath and sits up. I hold out my hand, reaching for hers, and she eventually stands up and takes it.
----
She hesitates once she realizes where we are. "I think this might be the most depressing date I've ever been on." She jokes, but I can tell she's noticed how serious I am about this. "Sorry." She mumbles.
I walk over to Lucy's grave. I sit on a tree stump that's across from it. Ashley follows, sitting next to me. I stare into the sunset, deciding how the hell I'm going to begin this conversation.
"Ashley." I begin. "This is Lucy." I speak slowly, making sure to correctly phrase this so nothing can be taken out of context. "My twin sister. She was- different. She always seemed happy. We even called her smiley because she was always smiling." I laugh a bit, and try to remember her. That's the thing I hate most about to death, you start to forget. You forget what their voice sounded like, you forget how they smelled, but I refuse to forget. I will never let the slightest detail about her slip my mind. "But she was broken. And I never saw it. She was my best friend, and I didn't even know that she was dying inside. I had no idea what she was going through. Until she left her suicide note, with her body next to it."
I fight back the tears. Not because I don't like crying in front of people, but I know if I so much as slip, everything will come crashing down with me, flooding my head with stupid memories. "Dylan, why did you want me to meet her?"
I study Ashley's face. "Because. I want to protect you. I wasn't able to protect her, and I don't want to make the same stupid mistake again."
"You don't have to protect me." She whispers.
"I want to."
"Why?" She shakes her head, as if she cannot name a single reason why I would want to be with her.
"Because, there's something about you that I love. It's the way you make me feel. I can't describe it. But I want to get to know you. I want to get to help you. I want to save you." That's what I'm doing, I've decided. I'm saving her.
------
I really hate it when people try to romanticize cutting, depression, anxiety, etc. (I promise you that is not the intent of this book) Its not a 'thing' and it's definitely not something that's 'in', nor will it ever be. Weather or not you cut yourself should not be based on the amount of likes you get. Weather or not you starve yourself should not be based on the number of reposts you get. I understand that some people are just looking for help, and I'm here if anybody's going through any of that stuff, but don't do these stupid things to make people feel bad for you. Not only can it become addicting if you really get into it, but there are people who truly suffer with these things. There are people who really cut themselves because they believe it will take away from all the other pain in the world. There are people who have anxiety attacks, and don't tell people. Because it sucks. It's hard to deal with. And it's not something you should want. Don't make these things into something they're not. If you truly are alone and need somebody, I'll listen. Just don't act as if it's something that's amazing to deal with. It should be something that you want to get better, not stay constant.
