FSA journals: Trapped in her own game

I'm done

~ Serena
So today was the day I was to show up at the airport and see Mitchel and confess that I wanted to start over again, we'd had so much history that we shouldn't have to waste and then we'd kiss and he'd carry me and all would be perfect in my world once more. Only that's not what I'm doing. Why am I not living out my fantasies this time? I'm tired and I'm scared and I want to be in the real world for the first time in my life.
     Chewing on this now warm kelewele, in a seat in a cramped vehicle, looking out through the window, I feel silly and tears run down my cheeks as I ask the mate to let me off at the next junction. I get another vehicle and head back to my church.
      That night I had a meal that gave me indigestion or it was my being pensive the whole day I can't tell. I just thought and thought and decided that I have developed anxiety finally. I picked up my phone and sent that risky text. After fifteen minutes, my heart pounding and my palms sweaty or it was just the gloves I'd worn after moisturizing.

'Hi'

'Serena'

'I go by Baaba now'

'That's wonderful, so how can I help you? It's been eternity and a half'

Perhaps I should ditch this operation and call it a night, I refuse to believe I'd dreamt the last two years of my life.

' I'm good, I heard you just arrived. How're you doing?'

'Considering how much has happened between us, honestly I think it's best we keep our distance. What happened to you scared me silly and I can't keep living in this damaging cycle. I want us to be both fine and so far our distance has helped more than our proximity so let's keep it that way'

'Okay'

So that's it. There is no happy ending? Or I'm being rash? I've grown and achieved so much and he probably has too himself and that is in itself a happy ending isn't it?

The next morning after my morning run. Anon had sent me donuts and chocolates and a picture of me laughing, laying on grass. I smiled a pained smile, what I felt raw and gnawing but I guess this is really goodbye. The game has ended but I truly enjoyed being trapped in my own game.