FSA journals: Trapped in her own game

Defeated

Serena

Looking back at my spoiled and over pampered existence, I'm ashamed to say I don't think I have it in me to stop wailing like a widow.

He's not dead, but in actuality to me he is. I will never be able to forgive him for his cruel and harsh words against my father, against me.

Is that truly how he regards me? A criminals daughter?

If so why does it matter? I'm not the first nor will I be the last girl faced with this predicament, whether or not my father is truly innocent I know not but one thing I'm sure of is I didn't deserve it.

I didn't deserve his cold glare, that mocking stance, his air of cool while he dashed my hopes and fantasies to hell! I didn't deserve it! Why did he hurt me?

A tear, the millionth if not billionth I've shed this hour alone slides down my cheek. My lips are chapped from not applying my hourly dose of cherry and plum lip balm, my eyes red and dull, my skin has lost its sheen and honestly a cold, lonely death seems all too pleasant than my present pitiful state.

I never used the word love with any of my boyfriends, I did but it held no meaning. I'm afraid that now when I say I loved the socks off that imbecile I'm not lying.

"Serena mam, its time for dinner. Could you please open the door?" Siluna's concerned voice floated over my cemetery worthy silent room.

"Please dear, its been a week since you last came out of your room! I beg of you please come out tis not healthy" she continued her appeal.

"Come out Serena mam, you're too young to be depressed! You have your whole life ahead of you, more strapping gentlemen are bound to cross your path soon. You have it all! Don't be ungrateful to God"

"Leave God out of this Siluna! He knows not of the unbearable pain I feel" I spat bitterly "He has forsaken me"

"Just like you have forsaken him. Tread carefully with your words, Serena he is the omniscient God. He knows it all, when last did you go to church? When last did you seek him? Seek his counsel? Read the bible? You have let earthly pleasures blind you "

"Shut up Siluna! I'm in no mood for your sermons. No wonder you're still a spinster!" The moment the words left my lips I felt ashamed, she didn't deserve that.

"Siluna, forgive-"

"I shall have Evangeline bring you your dinner" she said attempting to cover her sobs and sniffs but the door wasn't thick, I heard it all she must be bawling her eyes out .

After a while, I was left on my own. All I've done this last week is spew venom over all who showed me concern from my little siblings, to my friends now Siluna . There's no excuse and I'm painfully aware of that.

But I find that I don't care about anyone apart from myself right now just like that imbecile didn't give a hoot about destroying me.

Perhaps Siluna is right, this is God's way of punishing me for abandoning my principles. Either way like I said I don't care.

I'm just gonna lay on my bed and stare at my white ceiling with its glorious chandelier and magnificent lights thinking suicidal thoughts and listening to a near deafening amount of loud music.

After all in the end that idiot didn't care

I find myself thinking deeply and darkly strangely dying seems oddly intriguing to me . Will it hurt? Will I stop feeling like I'm a piece of scum? Will I be able to contemplate ever smiling or dare I say laughing?

The thought seems so foreign

Strangely I find that the devil's company is oddly more appealing and comforting than anyone else's.

Looking to my side I spot some pain killers. Panadol works fast does it not? More tears form in my eyes blurring my vision. I'm sure no one will care.

I know he won't.

I reach out and take the plastic bottle of pills and stare at it, entranced. Enchanted at the thought of being liberated from it all, the pain, the humiliation, the uncertainty. To be consoled and perhaps at peace in oblivion or according to the holy book amidst the burning fire of hell.

A twisted smile displays, strangely even that sounds more pleasant than my present situation.

Yes, you're right! I'm nuts, I've gone insane with rage and pain.

Death would be perfect. A disturbed cackle escapes me. Months ago I was so cheerful, suicide was the furthest thing from my mind now... oh well such is the insanity of humanity and phenomenon of life, change is inevitable. I'm afraid my life took a turn for the worst.

I sit up on my bed and spread the pills on my pink floral cotton sheets.

One, two no no no this won't do, twelve seems hardly enough don't you think?

It shall have to do Serena Antoinette Baaba Anderson . I think my time is up. It shan't be perilous, I can only hope that the pain will be minimum and the duration same.

Goodbye cruel world.