folie

i'm scared to tell you this

written on 11/7/20

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this city never sleeps

but it doesn't seem awake

every moment i'm too weak

i just want to escape

this pain i feel

that claims it loves me

wants me to die.

now this is where we stop

after those words are written

it's suddenly harder to continue the rhyme

any thoughts we have against the idea are gone

and that's all i can think about

no matter how much i try not to

and i hate to imagine

what would've happened

if i had let someone answer

and tell them what ran through this mind

would they leave too?

just like everyone i've ever known

that i have loved

and lost

to this horrid world

but only because of ME

my heart doesn't want to believe

that i could be the fault in my own reasoning

that it's my fault

i grow too fond

and they let go

and i assume they let go of me

when they were never attached

i don't know how to continue

in this life or in these words

i hate who i've become

this pain reminds me i am loved and therefore i should let go

but i don't want to

please believe me when i tell you

i'm desperately trying to claw my way out of this

but everything inside of me is holding me down

gripping my throat so i can't breathe

because we just want relief

i don't want to go yet

but they wouldn't believe me

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no this isn't okay obviously i'm not doing okay but that's just fine i'll learn. i'm sorry if this sounds so harsh i love you it's just 4am and I'm having a lot of difficulty in general. sleep well and see you when i see you.