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"You think you are so amazing because you went and embarrassed me in front of the whole team!" He sat down in his rocking chair, one that was used to cradle me but was soon a replacement for a seat to drink beer every Saturday, but today was a Wednesday and he was angry. "YOU ARE BRAVE! YOU'RE JUST ACTING LIKE A BITCH, AND THE FACT THAT YOU WOULD GO AND QUIT. THEN YOUR BOYFRIEND DECIDES TO JOIN YOU! SO STUPID OF ME TO LET YOU GUYS ON THE FIELD, SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU GUYS YOU WERE WORTHLESS TO THE TEAM WHEN YOU WERE FIVE!" He took another chug, "Maybe you would've just given up then." He mumbled.
I was holding back the tears that have wanted to come out for so long. The ones that no one had seen because if I even dared cried on the field or at home, I would be called a pussy. "His name is Christian and he's not my boyfriend, he's your best friend's son and you know that." He continued on taking a couple swigs at the bottle. " It's not his fault, it's mine and he was just being a good friend."
"Good friends would tell you when you're being stupid." Another swig.
"Good friends would care about your feelings too in situations. Sound familiar, right?" He looked down and put the bottle on the coffee table we had. "Because you told me to always have Christian and Vinnie around me. You told me that!" I yelled the last part which made Vinnie come downstairs and see the mess we were. "But then you let Vinnie move in, and he becomes the son you never had. He becomes your favorite." I moved closer to his face and he stands up. My father's breath reeked of the familiar scent and I stood there, not losing my guard. "HE REPLACED ME! AND THIS HAS NEVER BEEN ABOUT FOOTBALL! HE REPLACED ME IN MY LIFE, HE REPLACED ME AS YOUR CHILD, YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOUR EVERYTHING! AND I'VE NEVER BEEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!" Now the tears were rolling and Vinnie touched my shoulder. I quickly pushed him away and he stood back continuing to watch, "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I'VE BEEN THROUGH, FEELING LIKE SHIT AND JUST GOING ON WITH LIFE BECAUSE I KNEW IT WOULD NEVER CHANGE." I moved closer to him and poked him the chest, "Do you want to know something?" I paused and then thought about the one thing I had never brought up, "I wanted to be accepted by you so bad, that I thought that if I cut my hair, if I changed my gender, you'd accept me. But then I thought again you would still not accept me because you'd be embarrassed to have a trans son, right?" His silence stood still and as I was already angry enough I got closer to his face, "Right?"
One thing led to another. And when I could figure out what happened, I felt a sharp pain on my cheek. A small pain led to my stomach and then I felt hands wrap around me as yelling rose from the background, "COACH STOP!"
"MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOUR MOM KILLED HERSELF! BECAUSE OF YOU!" A headache that's what my body was giving me. Not any pain from that sentence, not tears, just a headache from those words that I had said to myself a long time ago. I look up at him, his eyes red. Why would he be crying? Why was he hurt? "Don't come back home. Go stay at Christian's, pack your shit and go." He walked toward the front door and looked at Vinnie, "You choose Vinnie, a father or a friend." He closed the door behind him and I knew Vinnie was thinking about his sentence. Vinnie wanted both. He wanted a dad, he wanted a friend, but if he chose one over the other it would ruin one.
