Some Thorns, Some Roses

III | Pretty Little China Doll

The first day of my Senior year was one of the worst days of my life. There was nothing that could fix it and there was nothing that could help it. My support system's dynamic was changed and I did not know what to do. Everything was different and the emotions I felt could not be described in words. It was one of the worst day of my life. At the time, nothing could help me. 

Back to where I was.... 

"Who is it?" I asked again and they wanted to enter my house. I could not move, I could not breathe so I just stood there like a statue. I wasn't any help, I lost the ability to make sense out of anything so Perris had to lend me a hand. 

He invited the cops inside and gently guided me to the couch where sat beside me. One of his arms were wrapped around my shoulder and I nearly started hyperventilating, which he also noticed. 

"Evita Holden was killed in a car crash earlier the evening." she continued to explain to me, being very straightforward. 

My emotions were scattered. I was relieved and shattered all in the same breath. My biological mother was killed in a car accident, but it was not another member of the Holden family. My biological mother did not change her last name when her and my dad divorced. So that's why she was still referred as a member of the Holden household. 

"That's m-my biological mother." I said shortly while tears continued to come down. However, I didn't feel as broken as I would have been. I felt empty and numb. I didn't even realise I was crying until I felt Perris's thumb rub across my cheeks in a fast motion. 

"I am so so sorry for you loss." she apologised to me with a sincere expression on her face. "Is your guardian here. I want to explain the whole situation, but I can't without him present." 

I nodded my head no while looking at the officer with a far out expression. I was there in the moment, but I was also in shock. Everything felt hazy and time felt like it was slower. Everything felt so and excruciating. 

Evita Raymonda Holden. 

A women who stopped caring about me one day, who stood by her boyfriend when he tried to rape me, who stopped loving me is dead. 

The day that my biological mother died was the day that I changed forever. I have always had a complicated relationship with her, but I never wanted to see her hurt or dead. Her death hit me hard because I had always imagined that we would rekindle a relationship, but now we would never get the chance. A wave a guilt spread through my body that left me essentially paralysed. 

Logically I know I should not have been guilty about the things that went down with my mom, but I was and it felt like a stab to the stomach. 

Perris stood up from the couch and walked off to call my dad. I didn't realise how dependent I was for his comfort until he left me there. I wanted to whine at the loss of contact, but everything was like a delayed reaction. 

Second after he stood up, my eyes followed his movements in a pleading way. I looked back at the officers, realising they were watching me, which made me feel super uncomfortable. I wanted to go to my room, but I didn't trust my legs to stand up on my own. So I sat there and fiddled with the rings on my fingers, finding them of great interest at the moment. 

It was better than facing the reality that my biological mother was gone and I felt guilty about being so harsh towards her. 

When Perris came back he whispered in my ear softly, "I called your parents and they are leaving work now." 

I nodded my head and looked at the stair longingly. I wanted to leave so bad, but I couldn't trust my voice nor legs. Perris noticed and suggested it to me. "Why don't you lie down until they get here."