Some Thorns, Some Roses

XXXII | i wish we were permanent.

His story made me stand to my feet and I stood there, blinking my eyes appalled by his story and stung by his words.

I didn't really have the right words at the moment. I didn't know what to say to him.

"You..." I started the stopped, nodding my head. I sat down directly in front of him and found both of his hands with mine.

I kissed them and sighed deeply. "You have been through so much loss and so much pain. Yet, you are one of the most gentle souls I have ever met."

He snorted at the word, "gentle." But I was right.

"All of that grief could have made you a bad person... but instead it granted you patience. Patience that the world has never seen before, which is probably why I love you so much."

I knew that statement was selfish, but I couldn't help it. I felt so raw and my emotions couldn't help but spill out.

My eyes watered and I gave him a tight lipped smile.

"You know, I always thought that real love was like something from a movie. Sappy and romantic. I think that's what made Atlas so attractive to me. It felt like something from a movie." I started, smiling at the thought of my childhood desires. "But that's not how it is, is it?"

He smirked a little at me. "Not in my experience, no."

I confessed to him, "I don't think I was in love with Atlas. I think I loved him, I still do, but I don't think I was in love with him."

He nodded his head, obviously understanding the feeling.

"I also fancied the idea of love rather than actually loving him."

"I get that." he bitterly chuckled, nodding his head.

"Are you speaking from experience?" I asked with raised eyebrows.

"I think I had enough confessions for one night, don't you think?"

I didn't answer, I just looked to the side. He was right. He shared so much with me and I felt like I haven't shared anything with him.

But at the same time, I didn't have to share anything with him. He probably already knew or was patiently waiting for me to open up to him when I was ready. That made me feel guilty for making him talk about his past in the first place.

"I'm sorry for making you open up to me. That was a bitch thing to do." I apologized, looking in his eyes.

"First of all, you can't make me do anything-" he abruptly stopped and looked to the side. "Fuck that. You can make me do a lot of stuff, but the point is that I wanted to tell you that because I trust you." 

I laughed a little because I would like to think that I could make him do somethings with my charm and wits. 

He leaned forward and caught my chin with his thumb and index finger. He kissed me slowly with closed eyes. 

When his lips left mine, I noticeably grimaced and squirmed at what I was feeling. 

"What is it?" he softly asked me. I couldn't see his face because my eyes were still closed. 

"Your love hurts." I answered, finally opening my eyes to see his stunned face. 

"What-" 

"It physically hurts me. It hurts to know that your lips aren't mine to kiss, that your never-ending love isn't mine to have." I told him, nodding my head as my eyes continued to fill with tears. 

"Serena, don't say-" 

"Don't say what?" I asked, shrugging and looking away. "The truth? We can't be together, no matter how much I want to... I can't hurt my family like that again. They were so worried for me it made them physically ill and they lost so much. I can't do that to them again. I- I can't."