Why Would You Ever Kiss Me?

Under Pressure

Stassis POV
Stiles was weird to me these past two days. He was short to me while texting and he took forever to respond. It was really unlike him. But tonight was the game and the hangout after, I just put it as him being anxious for the game.
I walked into bio and Scott was already there.
"Hey." I said to him.
"Hey." He said smiling and laughing nervously. I'm not werewolf, and I can't hear people's heartbeats to detect lying or uncertainty, but Scott was bad at hiding his emotions.
"You good?" I asked.
"Yeah yeah yeah. I'm good. Great!" He said. I looked at him weirdly about his erratic behavior.
"Okay.. That's good. I have a question." I asked and his face dropped.
"Is Stiles okay? He's been acting weird the past two days." I said.

As Scott was trying to find his answer, Isaac walked in. With a black eye? Holy shit. He walked with his head down and took his seat next to me shielding his eye.
"Are you okay?" I asked him. He tilted his head up looked at me, looked at Scott, looked at me and said, "Yeah."
"What happened?" I asked being nosy and concerned.
"Ask your boyfriend." He said bitterly.
"The hell are you talking about?" I snapped back at him.
"Scott? What the hell is he talking about?" I questioned again wanting answers.
"Lacrosse." Scott said. "It's a violent game you know?" He said awkwardly.
Uh huh.

Class started and it was mad awkward. I didn't feel like talking to either of them, and Stiles hasn't replied to any of my texts, but I could see out of the corner of my eye he was texting Scott.
Great. That's nice.
We're teenagers. We have our phones on us all the time so I already knew he had seen my messages and was choosing not to respond.
And I hated this sneaky lying and shit. I'm a big girl, don't waste my time.

"Hey, sorry it's been a busy morning. Slept through my alarm."
Stiles texted. I rolled my eyes and placed my phone screen on the table so I didn't have to see anything else.
Both of them expect me to trust them with my life. It's getting hard to trust them at all. It seems the only one who has my best interest is Derek.
And I had been neglecting any training or insight with Derek being too busy trying to get Scott and Stiles to be honest with me. I should probably go see him.

I packed up my stuff and I was facing Isaac who was doing the same thing.
"You gonna tell me what happened?" I asked. He looked up at Scott behind me and replied, "Like Scott said, lacrosse."
"I'm not stupid."
"I never said you were." He said.
"You're treating me like I am." I spat.
"Stass.." Scott said from behind me. "Uh I told Stiles we'd meet up with him."
"Tell me when you want to be honest." I said to Isaac before leaving.

I walked alongside Scott and he kept rubbing his hands on his pants. Sweaty palms. He was nervous. And he didn't stand up straight, he was slouched and his eyes were constantly darting around, not focused. I didn't need supreme hearing to tell what he was feeling. He bled out his emotions.

People say I'm observant. But that's not true. People are so easy to read- we bleed emotions even in the way we drink our coffee. No one else seems to notice though. They're all too busy drinking their own damn coffee.

Even though I was mad, my heart still skipped a beat at the sight of Stiles. He had on grey jeans and a navy blue 3/4 sleeved shirt.
"Hey. Did you get my text?" He asked.
"Yeah yeah I was just in class, hard to respond." I said half truthfully.
"I uh, gotta walk Allison to math, I'll see you guys later." Scott said and leaving us two alone.

It was awkward for a second until I finally spoke up.
"Did you see what happened to Isaac?" I asked and his face lost all the color in it. "Do you know what happened?"
"I think he uh like fell. He's quite a tall guy you know gets clumsy." He said.

Ah ha! My plan worked. I knew they were lying. And I knew they weren't expecting me to care, so they didn't bother correlating their lies.
"Ahhh okay." I said.
"Yeah. Why?" He asked.
"Well I saw him in bio and I asked him what happened and he told me to ask you."
He looked like he was going to say something but nothing came out.
I looked him dead in the eyes and tried to read him. I spoke out on a limb trying to get the truth.

"You hit him. Didnt you?"

His face dropped and he let go of my hands and placed his on my shoulders. He still didn't say anything and I was getting really sick of the silence. I went to walk away when he pulled me into an empty classroom.
"Woah woah hand on a second!" He said closing the door and running his fingers through his hair.
"He was running his mouth and I just went to talk to him and I-I-I..."
"You hit him?!" I said in disbelief.
"Why do you care huh? Why do you care what happened to him?" Ive never heard this tone from him before. It was low and deep and didn't even sound like him anymore.
"You know you're really thick in the head sometimes. He's my friend." I said.
"Oh I'm thick in the head? At least I don't go around caring about what happens to Lydia or any other girl!" He raised his voice. "I'll just show Lydia the same kind of care."

Ouch. That um, hurt. I didn't see that one coming.

"You fucking idiot!" I yelled back pushing him in the chest. "I don't care about him like that!"
"Then what is it huh?"
"I care that you lied!" I said in his face. My lip trembled and I could feel my eyes watering. He's got my devotion, but man I could hate him sometimes.
His insecurities were getting in the way of everything! I know it wasn't his fault, but it for sure wasn't mine. I haven't done anything to make him feel threatened or that I wasn't 100% about him and only him.
I've tried so hard to not let the money or the fame make him feel lesser than. I never wanted him to think that's what I cared about. But it seems as though my efforts were useless, none of it mattered.

"I was trying to protect you!" He said. "Isaac likes you okay? I was only trying to protect you!"
"If that's your way of protecting me I don't want it." I said. I was speaking without thinking. I know I'll regret this later.
"Maybe Lydia will like it though." I said trying to leave.
He grabbed me by the wrist and I know he didn't mean for it to be aggressive but I wanted to take everything the wrong way.
"Let go of me!" I said sternly.
"No no please! Look I'm sorry okay. That was dumb of me to say. I don't know why I mentioned Lydia-"
"Because you knew it would hurt." I said.

He pulled me close and tried to get me to look at him. I couldn't. It hurt. But the thing is my hands are shaking and tears are falling and oh my God I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to feel this way.
"Baby please. I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you."
I still couldn't look. I had my face looking out the window. I wiped stray tears away and inhaled to steady my shaky voice.

I had two sides of me. I one side, the angry and petty side saying to me I don't want your apology. I don't want you to fucking apologize. I want the guilt to eat you alive. I want you to drown in your thoughts like I drowned in mine. Then the other side was like kiss him. Kiss him and hug him and keep him close. Don't push this one away. Say I love you and it you it's always you.

This is the mind at war with the heart. It was like a bar fight.

"Stop getting in your head!" I said cupping his cheeks with my hands. "Stop thinking that you don't deserve me! How many times do I have to tell you that I would choose you. In this life in the next and every other one!" He nuzzled his cheek in my palm.

"Don't cry honey." He said bringing me into his chest.
But I was scared. I was scared of if he'll ruin this. I was scared that my reassurance wouldn't be enough to have him stay.
He is too involved in my soul that I can't imagine if this were to not work out. What if he's someone I just want around?

Trying to forget him would be like forgetting my first house. I lived there so long, I know everything about it by heart. And sure I've moved on and have a new home and other places I call home, but no matter what, I'll always remember the address. He is my first home.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying. It just feels like a dream sometimes. Still." He said rubbing my back.
"I don't want to fight with you. I hate it." I admitted.
I've been fighting people my whole life. I'm tired. He's supposed to be my peace. I want, no I need to keep it that way.
"Me either. I didn't want too. I just wanted him to not try anything. I don't trust him."
"Do you trust me?" I asked. And without hesitation he said, "With my life."

I finally looked him in the eyes and the pads of his thumbs ran under my eyes and I sniffed. The brown in them glistened, and I forgot what I was so angry about.
I was melting again.

In a crowded room I'd look for him. There was no one else on my mind.
I just hope he understands that.