Why Would You Ever Kiss Me?

Even My Dad Does Sometimes

Stiles POV
I'm heartbroken.
I'm so empty.
I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling other than hopeless.
It broke every piece of me to say that. And when Derek told me I thought he was kidding. But when he told me what a distraction I was, what a liability. I took up too much of her time. I took up too much space in her head.

I slid down the wall staring at the spot I last saw her in.
She was so aggressive and angry. I couldn't blame her. If I had it in me, I would have done the same.
I had tried so hard to get her, and then I had her, and I had to loose her.

I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't erase the image of her face dropping and the trembling of her voice echoing in my ear.
This will never not hurt.
Nothing will ever be the same.
And everything was so good. It was so perfect.

I can hear Derek saying that if she got killed, it would be my fault. If anyone else got killed it would be my fault because she would be too focused on protecting me.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if she got hurt because she was protecting me, nevermind killed.

"Go away." I said at the pair of feet standing in front of me.
"Hey. It's my birthday." Lydia said sitting in front of me. Then Allison sat and then Scott sat next to me.
"I don't care." I said putting my head on my knees.
Scott put his hand on my back and patted me trying to be comforting.
"We're going to have fun tonight." Lydia said. Is she out of her fucking mind?

I just stayed silent.

"Did she say where she was going?" I asked turning my head to Scott.
He shook his head and he looked like he had been crying too.
"I thought it was the right thing to do too Stiles." Scott said.

"Scott.. Stiles.." Ms. Morrell said to us squatting down. "Can you two come with me please."
I reluctantly got up with Scott and headed to Ms. Morrells office.
And all I could think about was the fact that she should be here. In this room. Talking and healing. Everything is the opposite. Everything is so messed up.
I sat down in the available seat and Scott pulled a spare one up and we face Ms. Morrell.

It was silent for a bit, I think they were waiting for me to speak.
"D-do you think t-that she was b-b-being serious? T-that she doesn't w-wan-wanna get better?" I stuttered. "Did she ever mention anything about that?" I asked desperately.
Ms. Morrell shook her head no and Acott shifted uncomfortably.
"You know I can't tell you what we discussed. Even if I could, there's not much I could tell you. She barley spoke to me."
"The hell are you talking about?" I asked disgusted and pissed off at her lies.
"Stassi went our whole first session without a word. The second, she wanted to only mock my qualifications." She said.
"That why you want me in here? To make me feel worse? That I put her in a situation she hated?" I asked defensively.
"No no of course not. You were only trying to help.."
"Myself!" I yelled. "I only tried to help myself!"
"Stiles.." Scott said.
"No it's true! I hated how everyone around saw her and how that made me look so I thought that if it was fixed that-that.." I don't know what I thought.
I can't think straight.
I can't remember.

This doesn't feel real anymore.
"It's nothing to be ashamed of.. helping yourself would help her." Ms. Morrell said.
I didn't want to talk about it but it's all I wanted to talk about. I wanted someone to tell me something I didn't already know.
"Yeah well that was a fail huh?" I said pointing out the obvious.
"How do you think you could have done things differently?" She asked. She was shrinking me now too.
"I don't know." I said truthfully.
"Do you believe that Stassi could have tried harder?" She asked. Possibly.
"I don't know I wasn't the one in the room with her. You were so tell me what you think."

She laughed and shook her head.
"I told you I couldn't disclose that with you even if it was dire."
"Then what the hell you asking me for?" I was getting tired of this back and forth. The longer bee waited, the farther she could get.
"What was Stassis home life like?" She asked crossing her leg and resting her notepad on her lap.
I looked to Scott not believing the question and not sure how to answer. We only saw the surface of Stark family life.
"Uh they're all pretty close." Scott said.
"How about her and her dad?" She asked.
"I don't see how this has any relevance to what's going on?" I half asked. Basically refusing to comment.
"What was she like outside of school?"