Why Would You Ever Kiss Me?

Novicane

Stiles POV
We pulled up to Stassis house and I was a new type of nervous. Scott held all the gifts and we walked up to the door.
I knocked on the door and it took some time for it to open.
"Hey.." She said only revealing her face. She had on a black oversized hoodie and the hood was over her head. She seemed smaller than usual, but that was probably because she didn't have any shoes on. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot and the tip of her nose was red. Her hands looked blue and her knees were wobbly. It shocked me to see her like this, not because she looked bad, but because I have never seen someone so sad. It hurt. Looking at her hurt.
"Come in." She said opening the door up more and leaving.

Scott and I followed her and she shuffled her way to the couch.
She sat down and sat with her legs criss crossed and her hands were in her lap.
"We got you some stuff.." Scott said unloading everything in his arms on the marbled coffee table.
She smiled a tight thin smile and her bottom lip quivered.
"Thanks." She said. Her eyes pooled, and then when she blinked a few escaped. She wiped them away with the cuffs of her hoodie and I could see on the side table a crystal glass. It had two melting ice cubes in it and 1/8 of an inch left of brown liquid.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but none of this was your fault." Scott said and she sniffled and said, "I know. I know but it feels like it."

Scott sat down next to me and I rubbed circles around her back. This was deeper than the miscarriage. She was so broken up you could see cracks in her skin.
She was a little drunk, I could tell, maybe even a little high.
I hated seeing her do this to herself. There is nothing beautiful about self destruction. She wasn't healing or coping she's distracting herself and I can't watch it.
"Stass, are you drunk?" I asked and she turned to me sharply.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes.
"No. Not yet." She said liting a cigarette. I was pretty pissed off and I took it from in between her lips and put it out.
"Hey what the hell!" She said shoving me.
"I'm not going to sit here and watch you destroy yourself!" I said back.
"Then why'd you come huh?" She spat back.
"I don't know." I said. But I knew why, I missed her. I missed her face and her mannerisms and her smell and the sounds she would make. But this wasn't her.

"Hey hey!" Scott said standing up. "It's going to be-"
Stassi threw the glass and it shattered against the wall.
"Don't tell me it's going to be okay! Tell me I'm going to die or the sun is going to explode. Tell me the whole world is ending and there is nothing I can do about it because if I hear it's going to be okay one more time I'm going to scream!"

All three of us stood there not knowing how to follow up.
Some people turn sad awfully young and for no apparent reason. They bruise easier, cry faster, and remember longer. Stassi is one of those people.

I have never seen her like this. I've never seen anyone like this. I was witnessing depression and the love of my life falling apart right in front of me and I had no idea how to respond. "Have you been taking your medication?" Scott asked and she laughed at him although he was being serious.
"You sound like my dad." She slurred.
Scott growled at her baring fangs and roared.
"Answer." He demanded.
"Yes!" She screamed back. "And it doesn't help! Nothing seems to help! But you," She said looking at me. I swallowed but the lump in my throat got in the way. "And stop looking at me like that! I don't need your sympathy."

She didn't. She didn't need sympathy or the world to feel sorry for her. She needed understanding and I don't understand. I don't understand and she can't explain. She's fighting things that she doesn't know. How do you help someone when they refuse to help themselves?

She grabbed another cigarette and her hands shook as she held it in between her teeth. The flame flickered said she focused.

I sat back down defeated. This was not what I was expecting coming here. I was expecting the hugs and kisses and her warmth, but she was cold. I know I shouldn't be mad at her for how she's reacting but I couldn't help it. I don't see her for days and I skip class to come see her and she's belligerent and a mess. I loved her but I don't recognize her right now.

I heard a car door slam and her two brothers walked in.
She said something in French I didn't recognize. I had practiced a bit of it, because I knew it meant something to her, but it was too quick and I couldn't pick up on anything.
"Mm." Newt said and they both were out of sight and you could hear them retreating upstairs.
"We'll get going." Scott said sighing. "Give you space, let you continue grieving."
She didn't say anything.
God damn it say something! Please! Please tell me not to go tell me to stay with you.

"Come on." Scott said to me. I looked at her in disbelief and heartbroken. I waited a few more seconds and then got up.
She followed far behind and I waited for her at the door.
"So what are you going to do the rest of the day?" I asked her.
"Just.. Be with my brothers. They don't judge me for healing wrong." And I scoffed at her.
"I'm not judging you. I just can't sit here and see you like this. You're better than that. I can't watch it." I said.
"Then don't." She said bitterly.
"You know what Stass?" I said and she looked away. "I-I-I can't even look at you right now." I said tearing up.

I can't believe I said what I said. I don't know if this was the last straw for her with me, I didn't want it to be, but I wanted her to know that this isn't the girl I was falling for.

She began to cry again and her lips quivered and I just wanted to kiss them but she started to close the door and I wasn't quick enough.
"Wait Stass! That's not what I meant!" I exclaimed as the door was shutting in my face.

"Just go."

She barely whispered. And the door shut. And the locks locked. And I felt her presence back away from the door.

"That was..." Scott said sighing and running his fingers through his hair.
"Yeah I know." I replied. I started the car and we left. The car ride was quite until Scott spoke up again, "Change your mind about tonight?" He asked.

He was talking about the party that was happening tonight for a childhood friend of mine. I didn't plan on going because I planned on spending the night with Stassi.

"What the hell." I said and Scott seemed pumped.
"Dude come on. We'll have some drinks and we'll chill it will be fine."

8:00 came around and I had texted Stassi a few times and I hadn't gotten a reply which I expected.
"No phone. Just enjoy." Scott said as we walked up to the house.
People already were flooding in and music was blaring. I just wasn't really in the party mood, but I definitely needed a distraction.
We walked into the house and my childhood friend Heather came up to say hi to us, only she didn't say hi to me, she grabbed my face and kissed me.

"Come with me." She said. "I need to get more wine out of the basement."
"Uh I um I-"
She took me by the hand and pulled me down there anyway.
"You know what I want for my birthday?" She asked close to my face.
"Um I um I don't know..."
"I don't want to be a 17 year old virgin." She said kissing on my neck.
It felt wrong, obviously, because she wasn't Stassi but it was all happening so fast and I was upset.

"Go upstairs in the bathroom there's condoms in the drawer." She said kissing me again and again. I didn't kiss back, but I didn't pull away either.
"Uh okay." I said backing away.
"Hurry!" She demanded.
I scurried back up the stairs and went into the bathroom.
I closed the door and slid down it sitting on the tile.

"What the hell is going on?" I said to myself.