Why Would You Ever Kiss Me?

When She Loved Me

Dereks POV
"Wait!" I said as they all tried to squeeze uncomfortably in that crappy falling apart jeep. They all turned to me.
I was mostly healed but it still burned so I winced softly but made it seem as if nothing hurt at all.

She looked at me. And her eyes. They were the blue that with my kind tells me that you killed someone innocent.
I looked back at her. She reminded so much of her. She looked like how I think she would if she had gotten to that age.
"Derek... Your eyes." Erica said. "They're blue."

They all looked at me confused and I know it was happening because I was thinking of her and what I had done.
"Paige.." I said and quickly corrected myself. "I mean Wanheada." I walked to her feet and kneeled.
She squatted down to be face to face with me.
"Who?" She asked in a whisper.
I shook my head no. I couldn't talk about it. It wasn't my bloodline that made me a monster, it was that night.

She looked at me as if she was hoping it would fall from my lips and I wouldn't stop spilling. But I knew better than to show that kind of weakness. And I knew better than thinking she was who I hoped she was.
"Forgive me Wanheada for the pain I had caused you." I said expressing my condolences for my bad judgement.
"Forgive me." She said. "For letting you think you were in this on your own." She said.

She had the same skin and soft eyes. With the curly brown hair. The only thing missing was the birth mark under her left eye. Instead she had smooth discolored shades under her eyes from lack of sleep.
She had fuller lips and bigger teeth than Paige but the way they smiled without their teeth was nearly identical. And they way they put things together.
Their problem solving and their attention to detail was uncanny. If I was naive I would have believed this was Paige in front of me.

"Wanheada I-"
"Shh shh." She said. Her heart beat was steady but loud. I winced in pain from the burns. She laid me down and hovered her hands over the wounds.
Light purple radiated out from her palms and slender finger tips. It tingled and stung but I tried my best to stay still as it was healing.
"Dont struggle. It will only make it take longer." She said.
We hadn't wanted this. Of course I wanted this, as the alpha, to be over and done with on my account. I didn't want these kids coming to my rescue broken, despondent, staring blankly terrified of their own power. It's not what I wanted.

I was angry with myself for making these kids fight with me. I was the alpha and I don't know how to admit that I needed their help because although we're not the same, we are a pack. And were stronger together.
Always.

It started to rain and Wanheada said to the rest, "Get in the car. This will only be another minute."
I groaned as I felt the tension of skin stitching up back together.
"You don't need to be scared with me. You're safe with us, with me. You couldn't hurt me if you tried, I'm just like you." She said.
I didn't know how to reply. The rain patted quietly and the sound of my skin repairing sounded like the cracklings of a fire.
"You killed someone, didn't you?" She asked and I felt my jaw tense up. "And they don't know, do they?" She asked.

In my hesitation, she found her answer.
"I'll always want you.. and they will too." Her hands sucked the purple hues back into them and my burns were healed.
I got up to walk away.
"I understand!" She yelled from behind me. I stopped in my tracks and balled my hands in a fist. Not because I was going to become violent, but because it hurt so much to remember and to look at her and have her not be who I wanted her to be.
"I understand what it's like Derek."
Her heart was beating fast now and her breathing was increasing. Her heart rate was up and she was remembering something traumatic as well.

"It was an accident.. wasn't it?"

I turned to her. She had trusted me with her deepest regrets and the baggage she had carried with her for so long. She trusted me to tell me, to help her.
She was sacred to my kind.
"Where did you learn to fight?" I asked her.
Without any 'what's' or 'huhs' she simply answered.
"I have three brothers." She said which I knew. "Newt used to play first table on the chess team, Hero would cry at sad movie scenes or sad songs on the radio, and Klaus likes Star Wars and putting on face masks with me. And I was never going to let anyone give them any shit for it. So I had to learn how to beat up poeple bigger than me pretty early on.

I stifled a laugh. Usually in these cases it's the brothers that roughen and toughen up the sister. But of course she was not like most cases.
"Who was she?" She asked. "I know that's how you learned. To protect her."
"Her name was Paige." I spit out.

She had trusted me so much that I had to let my guard down to heal the way she did. I had to let her know why I made the decision to tell Stiles to let her go. So she didn't have to go through what I did, and possibly make the choice I had too.
It haunts me. To this day it haunts me. I still see her, black blood dripping from her mouth and squeezing her hand to take away the pain. Until she begged for me to end it.

"You look so much like her." I admitted. "In the beginning, not the end."
"It was the bite. Wasn't it? She couldn't survive the bite."
I nodded my head with my back still turned to her but I turned my head to the side to see her standing there with damp hair and wet clothes. "That's why I said what I said. To protect you from the fate I had had. So you wouldn't have to end the suffering that was caused at your hands."
Some girls are full of heartache and poetry. And those are the kind of girls who try to save wolves instead of running away from them. She was this kind of girl.

"If you want some advice.." She said taking one small step forward. "If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you."
"My past is armor and I cannot take it off. No matter how many times you tell me the war is over." I replied.
The scariest thing about letting people in is that they can take one look inside of you and never come back. And I've got to protect myself.
But baby steps.

"What if I never love anyone the way I loved her?" I asked turning around completely to face her.
"You never love the same way twice. But that doesn't mean you'll never love again." She said shrugging as if the answer were obvious.
"You know when I would feel lonely, I would look to the moon. I was never a morning person, I always felt like that the moon and I were somewhat in love." She said giggling and looking up.
"There is a reason to be so romantic about the moon. It never asks questions or begged for answers. And you never have to prove yourself to it. It's always just there breathing, shinning, and in ways most humans can't understand- listening."

I was always astonished about her wisdom. Then I remember that she had been through more than most people have. And she has seen more than any 18 year old should see. She has the wisdom of a wise man and it was admirable.
And if she could never be Paige, at least she exemplifies my most favorite qualities of her.
"When she loved me, everything was beautiful." I said.
"I lost a soulmate too... And I'm happy again."
"He's your soulmate." I said referring to Stiles.

She laughed a bit.
"Soulmates are not as rare as people make them out to be! You'll meet thousands of soulmates just as you'll live a thousand lives. North Stars though, those are rare. By chance you'll meet someone who encompasses the way home. Someone who is home. And knowing them is like being found with never knowing you were lost. And you will love them. God you will love them as they are because they are yours. They exist beneath your skin, in your veins, to your bones. They were written in some far off past life."
She said smiling. It made me feel more comfortable like maybe it wasn't over for me like how I thought.

"There is no force that is more than they are. You are born half in love with them, and then to have them and to be theirs is like nothing else. Nothing would ever dare to be."

"I guess I just haven't met my North Star yet." I said shrugging.. being vulnerable.
"But when you will it will be spectacular!" She said. "And you will be happy that it didn't work out with anyone else."
She walked backwards to the jeep as everyone waited for her.
"And if you need me.." She said standing on the foot step of the car. "don't try to get through the gates. I have a very extensive security system and measures."
I laughed at the thought of the underestimating ability she has of me.

But it's usually her who finds me.

She is the daughter of the three most powerful Goddesses. Athena Goddess of war, Hera Goddess of family, and Persephone Goddess of spring and wife of Hades... half ruler of the underworld.
Loyal, Brave, and True.
We are all lucky enough to witness history being made.
And I hope Stilinski knows, what a treasure he has.
That they have their North Star.

While I wait for mine, I'll have a late night conversation with the moon.