Who Knew? // 5SOS [ #Wattys 2015 ]

Chapter 32

Day Two:

Today was just like yesterday, chores and my aunt out all day. This time she came home when she said she would. I kind of prefer it when she's not here, it's a lot more peaceful and less terrifying. She hasn't really been in my way, mostly because she's always on her phone or watching some reality TV show. I didn't sleep with Cuddles again, I'm trying to stop so the pain stops altogether. Thankfully, I did get a full night of sleep until my Aunt woke me up with her screaming.

Day Three:

This time I actually had different chores but my aunt was here all day, so no iPod. The song stuck in my head all day was Close As Strangers. Is that how it's going to end up between the band and I? I mean duh, if I can't communicate with them then of course... we're going to become just like strangers. They're going to be this huge band I used to know, and once used to know me. I had to stop doing chores and allow myself to cry for a little bit until I heard my aunt come. She sent me to my room early, not even having dinner. I took another bath and thought about drowning myself but I held back. This is the night I threw Cuddles to the floor, keeping the thought of getting him to the back of my mind. I also had another nightmare and ended up getting Cuddles off the floor, and smelling Calum.

Day Four:

I was rescheduled to do all the chores I did the first day again. I think she just wants me to keep doing things because there was barely any laundry and the floor didn't need to be re-vacuumed. She was out all day again and I felt the need to be risky, and not vacuum the house. That didn't turn out well when she came home hammered and ended up slapping me, twice. I ran to my room and locked my door and Aunt Jess did not like that. She was pounding and pounding, screaming and yelling, making the most frightening noises in my entire life. This was the night I grabbed Cuddles and locked myself in my bathroom, breaking my razor and bringing it to my healed wrists. I ended up getting blood on Cuddles, just a little though. After I cleaned up I grabbed the beanie and flannel, along with blood stained Cuddles and crawled into bed, holding all the items close and covering myself and my head with the thin blankets. I thought that if I suffocated that night I wouldn't even mind.

Day Five:

Sadly, that night I didn't suffocate and die. Today was the first time I've woken up by myself and not by my aunt screaming. I walked downstairs slowly, bracelets around my cut up wrists, and prayed to God that Aunt Jess wasn't there. She wasn't but there was another note telling me to do double the chores in less amount of time. I somehow did it in the short amount of time but my aunt never came home. I wasn't that mad but I was still a little steamy. I work my ass off to do these chores and she doesn't even have the decency to come home and eat the meal I prepared, look at the photos I dusted just for her, or look at her newly vacuumed house. I'm just done with this, I want to go back to the boys, or even my dad! He at least didn't make me do the same things everyday. I slept with Cuddles again but ended up having another nightmare. I couldn't help the urge I had to go make more vicious marks on my body so that's what I did at three am on day five.

Day Six:

Today my aunt was here all day, commanding me to do the stupidist things. She never even let me eat. She barely let me go to the bathroom and when I saw my reflection I couldn't believe the person who stared back at me. That was not the Lauren I have come to know that has grown over the four months with the band 5 Seconds of Summer. That Lauren wore little make up and had a smile on her face constantly. She wore what she wanted and she never wore the hideous rubber band bracelets to cover up the mistakes that were her. This Lauren looks like she's dead without make up and constantly wears the baggiest clothes and the terrible bracelets that only meant one thing, that she'd had broken down and wasn't strong enough. That she has thought about ending it but never did because she has a little hope but she's just a young, naïve person who doesn't know what hope actually is. That night was the first time I had to spray Cuddles with the emergency cologne. That was also the night I had gotten sick because of another god damned nightmare.

Day Seven:

It's been seven days with my aunt and I've broken down so many times I lost count. I have ten cuts on my wrists, five on each. I like to keep it even. Day seven was the day that my aunt stayed at home in the morning and watched Good Morning America, the day the boys were on it. I was cleaning the kitchen and had a clear view of the telly. Of course their song of choice was Amnesia. I couldn't help but cry as I saw the tall boy that held something precious to me sing, along with the boy who helped me stay warm at night when I had nightmares, the curly haired boy gently bang the drums while making faces. The boy that made me laugh and was the first one to earn my trust. The wonderful boy who was so protective over me. I wonder if he's thinking about me? Finally, I spotted my mint green haired kitten. My heart swelled, I had told him to make his hair that color. The green haired boy helped sing the chorus and it was so beautiful I couldn't help the tears streaming down my face.

"Stop crying over nothing before I give you something to cry about," My aunt threatened me.

I couldn't help but still continously sob. That night I slept with everything but before I went to sleep I broke again. Seeing them killed me, I could've been in that crowd but no, I was cleaning a huge ass kitchen.

Day Eight:

Today was the day my aunt slapped me again for being such a mistake. She yelled at me and dissed my mom saying she was an idiot for marrying my dad and creating me. I couldn't help but stick up for the only person in my family who actually loved me. That didn't turn out well and she pushed me to the ground then sent me to my room. I have a huge bruise on my side but that's not the worst that I've had. At around seven-thirty I emerged from my room to see an empty house. My aunt left again and there was no telling when she was coming back.