bughead || broken

25

         It's been about two weeks , I've been okay , me and jughead somewhat talk , in class and stuff and we exchange waves here and there , School is utterly boring now that everyone looks at me like I'm a hbic , it's like I'm feared , but I wish I could just go back to being invisible instead of whatever I am now ,
  I thought while getting ready for Cheryl's party , I drove there and it looked like, a headache to say the least , every time I went to a party something had to go wrong , I walked in and looked around for a bit tell I found Kevin , "hey" I said "I thought you hated party's" "bye all means are you correct but I want to get so drunk that I don't remember anything that happens tonight" he nodded I walked around for a while , until I saw a room with lights in it , I talked in and released at least 20 minutes build up off 8 kids smoke , I blew the smoke out of my face and walked in "is this like a drug dealing ring or something" they all looked at each other and then back at me and slightly nodded "well you all seem to be cool so do you mind if I sit here" they nodded , "you ever done drugs before?" "Nit really I used to be in some really strong anti depresents , but they took away my utter personality " they nodded "don't you want to be cool like us" they said jokingly "fuck it" they all slightly cheered , "ok but don't give me anything strong and one of you please supervise me" "you got it" they said , they gave me some pill , "I had to fake a injury for this" I nodded "how much will that be" "15" I nodded , "here" as I passed him a 20 then I took the pill , the first 20 minutes I felt nothing really , until 20 minutes in and they were all practically asleep , I got up and walked out the room , someone was trying to talk to me as I just walked straight to the pool and just walked straight in it , I was under there for a while it was almost like the water had became frozen and I was trapped under the ice , then when I got out and walked back into the house i was drenched head to toe , everything was suddenly louder , I don't think I was that bad yet , but fast forward 20 minutes and , I'll just say I don't knew what happened , I sat at the bar thing were the plastics and the mysoginystic football players were , "I love this song" I said "there's no song playing" veronica said "then explain the song" "betty what song" "song and yeah I don't know what it is like that song is that stupid bitch thing that you can't tell me what you want" I said " Everyone looked at me in a confused manor I walked around for a literal hour around the house , observing the walls , then I walked back inside and went into the high people room , and grabbed a lighter , I went back to the front yard and sat there for a bit , then I saw jughead walk out "were have you been" he asked "I get around" I said before I pulled out a pack of cigarettes that I got from god knows we're "you smoke ?" "Now I do" I said , "do you want one" I said , "no that cuts you're life expectancy down by like 20 years" "oh cmon don't you want to be cool like me and" I turned and saw nobody and it was a figure of my imagination, "oh , and besides I don't except to live another 20 years , bye then I'll be a crystallized dinosaur in some museum" "are you on something" he said , I started laughing as a response "nooooooo whaaaattttttt" "how's life " I asked , "that didn't answer the question" "why are you so weirdly protective of me" "because you're my best friend" "well you not mine" he got up and I grabbed his hand "don't go , I didn't mean it" he sat back next to me , "it's like I don't know you anymore" "I don't know myself anymore , everyday I look in the mirror it's a spitting image of something I can't understand , I can peace to peace the puzzle but I'll never understand how I got here "I said , "and all of a sudden you smoke" "it's not really a conversation starter" "no it's a life shortage" "most people smoke for fun , I smoke to die" "I thought you were better" "you belive what you want to believe, , either way I'm doing fine mentally " "I'm sure you are" he said , "what's that supposed to mean" "nothing , just that whatever this facade is , I don't think you're happy living it" "what do you excpect me to say ? Cause you're correct , I'm not happy and I'm pushing myself to make myself feel something I can't , first love and now my utter happiness, but I guess I've just been numb since childhood" "what you're doing isn't healthy" "do you prefer my barcode arms ??, or not taking to many pills in the morning as a accomplishment, or not being able to digest a single meal" "no of course not" we sat there for a few moment in quiet , "and besides how's you're life going" I said as I placed my head on his shoulder "it's fine , I like someone I think I'm gonna ask her out " "that's great" I said , "any update on you're relationship status" "I'm really scared of hurting people" "you had no problem with doing it to me , just find some sad asshole here , there preaching around , literally everywhere" "but I didn't want to hurt you , I didn't know I was , other wise that day at pops I would've left before you could talk to me , though your the greatest person I've ever known , just wish I could love you" he nodded , "I remember that one time I called you and I told you we were like a elderly couple , and then I hung up the phone , and minutes later you burst in my bathroom to see the bathtub over filling with my half dead body in it " he nodded "you saved me , more than once , and that's why I can't understand the fact that I can't love you , because I don't think I know what love feels like , ever since I was a little girl i was surrounded with people with so much love in there heart but they didn't know how to express it in a healthy manor " I said , "if it makes you feel any better my moms a alcoholic and I haven't talked to my sister in like 4 weeks , "I'm sorry" "don't be" I nodded "our whole relationship it was like I never asked you how you were how was you're day going or how's home life , and that's something that I've always found so ducked at how I couldn't bring myself to ask such simple things even if I was genuinely curious" he nodded "that's fine , and anyways I've never been a open person so either way I'd give you little to no response" I nodded , "well I have to get home before whatever it was I took randomly kicks in again , talk later , and let me know how it does this you're man crush Monday " "did anyone ? Like out something I. You're drunk or something" "you're the kindest man I've ever known, but no I took it all willingly , reckless but willingly " he nodded "duces" I said before I got in my car and drove off