THE MAN IN THE HANGING TREE | Gale Hawthorne

THIRTY FOUR - A Future We'll Never Have

GALE'S POINT OF VIEW

We got Peeta back, and the other victors that were in the training facility. 

I went with a team and a hovercraft to retrieve then, while Beetee stayed and worked on the computers to bypass the Capitol's security system. But he didn't need to, the Capitol just let us right in. 

I wish Coin would have let us go out a week earlier, then we would have been able to save (Y/n) too. But I am doing this all for her, I will win the rebellion for her, I am saved her friend for her, I will protect her dad for her. She would want me to go on like this.

When we went to retrieve Peeta, there wasn't even any peacekeepers in the facility the victors were being held in, no security whatsoever. It made it easy for us to slip in and then back out, but it was eerily suspicious. 

We were able to save the three that were in there, Peeta, Joanna Mason, and Annie Cresta, and get out as fast as we could.

And as we were leaving the Capitol, they had their aerial guns trained on us, but they didn't shoot. 

They were letting us leave. Why? I wouldn't find out until later.

 It's the the things we love most that destroy us, after all-- and Snow knew just how to do that.

Fist he took (y/n) away from me and Haymitch.

Then, he destroyed Peeta's mind for Katniss.

Peeta was Hijacked, his mind tampered with until he became an insane weapon. That's why Snow let us go. He wanted it to destroy the Mockingjay. He had Peeta hotwired to kill her, strangle her to death. 

I pitied the baker's boy for once. His family perished in the flames, and his mind perished in the icy grips of Snow.

And as for Katniss, she was, is broken at this new news. A part of her was lost with Peeta's mind, and that caused our Mockingjay to break all over again.

I try to help her, try to help her with her grief, but I'm going through my own real life hell so it is hard enough for me to keep on track at the moment.

Everyday without my love is hell, but I realize now she truly is gone for good. Though my heart aches in her absence, she is gone.

Haymitch is still in denial, I can't deny that I too wake up in the morning, hoping I'll see (Y/n)'s smiling face soon. But we can't, she is gone. 

Unlike myself, Haymitch has found ways to soothe the ache in his heart, by swiping pain killers and sleeping pills from the infirmary. He's playing a dangerous game, but at this point I don't think he cares if he accidentally kills himself-- by (y/n) would have cared, she wouldn't have wanted this for her father.

I was just visiting Katniss, who is still recovering from Peeta strangling her, when I spot him again.

Haymitch walks into the infirmary wing, looks to see if anyone else is around, then swipes a bottle of pills of the nurses' cart inconspicuously. Undetected, he makes his leave with his new found medicine.

 That's it, he's going to kill himself.

I follow him as he exits the wing, and I cut him off before he can get to his sleeping quarters with his treasure.

"Give me that." I say, and stick my hand out to take the bottle from him. I'm giving him every chance to fess up to what he has been doing.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He denies everything, fake confusion in his eyes that look much like (y/n)'s, but not her usually bright eyes her broken eyes I saw just last week in her interview. "Now get out of my way kid." Haymitch tries to push past me.

"No." I grab his arm and pull him back, a little unceremoniously. "Give me those pills now, you're going to kill yourself." I hiss.

"Maybe that's what I'm going for." Haymitch growls, we have a small stare down before he speaks again. "Besides, you can't be too against the notion since you tried to shoot yourself the other night."

He tries to get past me again, but I have a tight grip on his arm. "Yeah, that's because I was distraught."

"What? and I'm not distraught!" Haymitch shouts, then his face immediately drops, his voice too, to a whisper. "Look at me, I'm a fucking mess." His demeanor changes from defensive to broken in a second, his eyes well up.

"I'm a mess too." I can feel tears in my eyes too. "But (Y/n) wouldn't want this. She would want us to keep going. She would want us to win this fight." I tell him, I feel the tears start to slip down my face. "So give me the pills, you need to keep living for her. We can do this together."

Haymitch collapses to his knees, I go with him. He sobs, shaking in great heaves. "She's gone, she's gone and it's all my fault!" 

"No it's not." I shake my head, my tears fall freely too. "She would never blame you."

I'm able to take the bottle of pills out of his limp hand, then I awkwardly hold his shaking body in my arms, and we cry together. And I silently imagine all the things that could have been.

 Maybe in some other reality (Y/n) I would have gotten married, and the sobbing man I hold now would have been my father-in-law. Maybe even the grandfather of my children one day.

It hurts to think about things like that, but I find myself doing it often-- thinking about what might have happened if we lived in a perfect world where (Y/n) was still alive. 

It hurts in a bittersweet way, thinking of a future we would never have. But it's my way of coping her death, my way of keeping sane in here. My pills of tiny, not yet happened memories to help me sleep at night, to keep me walking through day, to keep me from crying every single moment of every day. For that fake future will forever be easier than my real future now.

All I knew of my real future now is that I'm going to try as hard as I can to win this rebellion for her. Past that, when we do win-- I have no idea what I'm going to do.

She would want me to move on, I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier. Maybe I will get married to someone else, and have children with someone else, live forever in a happy little home with someone else, but there will always be a hole in my heart for the girl I lost. 

Right now in this moment, I can't even think about moving on from her, the pain is too strong. I loved her, and continue to love her, too much.

But as I hold her father in my arms, as I break down completely with him, I realize exactly what my future holds. 

I'm going to end up just like him, a broken man who uses substances to drown his demons. A broken man who wakes up every morning hoping that death will take him this day, for the pain only gets worse from here.

I realize I will never move on, I could never start a family with someone else, for I am still stuck with the visons of  a future we'll never have.

"I'm sorry." Haymitch cries. Sorry for your loss he means, sorry that your love was taken from you, sorry you are now doomed to live an empty life like myself.

"I'm sorry too." I just hold him in that hall, as we mourn the loss of the girl that meant so much to us, and a future we'll never have.

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