Toxicity

41

AMELIAS POV
I looked at myself in the mirror. Why was I doing this. But I told him I would go so I had to show up. I thought back to last year. The bruises. The drugs. The rape. The abuse. The trial. Why did I agree to this. I walked out of the bathroom and Meredith and Derek were downstairs.
"You ready?" Meredith asked. I nodded. I think Derek was mad at me. I knew he didn't agree with my decision to go. I'm kinda scared. I know he can't hurt me. He'll be behind glass. We drove the half an hour to the jail and Derek parked in the lot. Him and Meredith weren't allowed to go in.
"You ready?" Derek asked.
"Yeah," I nodded. I got out and walked through the front doors. I had to go through a metal detector and sign in.
"You can go to the third window," The guard said. I nodded as I sat in the third chair. I saw him and I felt my heart stop. I haven't seen him in months. He looked the same. Kinda. He looked a lot more pale. And angry. He looked angry. Well, he was in prison. This place would make me angry too. He picked up the phone and signaled for me to do the same.
"Hi," he said.
"Hi," I said.
"I've missed you," he said. I didn't say anything and he stared at me.
"I'm sorry," he said, "for everything."
"I know I read the letter," I said.
"Oh Derek actually gave them to you?" He asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"I'm glad you came," he said.
"Ryan it's going to be the only time," I said, "I mean it when I say this, I want nothing to do with you."
"Are you still sober?" He asked, changing the conversation.
"I am, are you?" I asked, not wanting to detail rehab with him.
"Yeah," he said.
"That's good," I said.
"Are you still with Link?" He asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Is he good to you?" He asked, and I could tell he was upset.
"He's a million times better than you, if that's what you're asking," I said.
"Amelia I'm sorry for everything," he said, "I know you don't want to hear it but I am."
"I think we both need to move on," I said, "I can't keep getting letters form you and requests to visit Ryan. We're over. No matter how much you love me I can never love you back in the way I did a year ago."
"I know," he said.
"Stop writing," I said.
"I don't want to lose you," he said.
"You did, a long time ago," I said.
"But I still love you. I'm clean. I'm changed. Please," he said.
"No," I said, "Ryan I can't."
"I love you," he said.
"I don't love you. I love Link," I said, "I can't be with you. I can't love you anymore."
"Okay," he said, "I'm sorry."
"Please stop writing," I said.
"I will," he said.
"Promise me?" I said.
"I promise," he said.
"I have to go," I said.
"No please don't," he said as he put his hand to the glass. I put the phone down and looked at him.
"Amelia," he mouthed. I got up quickly and walked through the gates and out into the parking lot. I was trying to hard not to cry. I ruined his life. He was sitting there for years. Doing nothing. I felt bad. I shouldn't. He ruined my life. I didn't even realize the tears were coming out until Derek and Meredith got out of the car and ran over to me.
"What the hell did he say to you?" Derek said as he wrapped me in a hug.
"It wasn't anything he said," I said crying and Meredith rubbed my back.
"Let's just get you home okay?" Derek said.
"Can I go see Link?" I asked, knowing he wasn't home. I wanted to see Maureen. She was like my mother. I loved Meredith and Derek so much, and I appreciate everything they've done for me, but sometimes Maureen just gives good mom advice. She's really good at it, I mean she's doing something right because she raised Link.
"Can I come over to talk?" I texted her as I got in the car.
"Sure, Link won't be home for an hour or two," she sent. He was helping his dad with stuff today at his dad's house. Meredith and Derek dropped me off at Link's house and promised to get me before dinner. I walked up to the door and Maureen opened it and hugged me tightly.
MAUREENS POV
Amelia needed a mom. Her brother and sister in law take really good care of her, but sometimes you just need a mother. She comes to me sometimes and I feel glad that she feels comfortable enough to reach out. Link loves her more than anything in the world, and I do too. She deserves so much more than what she's been given, and she's been through so much that I can't even comprehend her pain sometimes.
"What's bothering you?" I asked as I handed her a cup of coffee and we sat on the couch.
"Thank you," she said. It was really obvious that she had been crying but I didn't want to say anything.
"I went to the jail today," she said, "I saw Ryan."
"How did it go?" I asked.
"It was fine," she said, "I got him to agree to stop writing letters to me. But he kept just saying stuff."
"What kind of stuff?" I said.
"Like how sorry he was and how much he missed me," she said, "and I accepted his apology out of niceness but I can't ever forgive him for what he did to me, but part of me feels guilty. I know he ruined my life, but I ruined his too." I put my cup of coffee down and looked at her. Amelia was a special soul. She felt everything everyone was feeling, and cares tremendously for everyone, sometimes it was even before herself.
"You don't have to feel bad," I said.
"But I do," she sighed, "I know it's messed up but I just feel bad that he's spending years in there. And I know it's his fault because of everything he did to me, and he deserves it, but I don't know."
"It makes you empathetic," I said, "not messed up."
"Who feels bad for their rapist?" She said.
"You're in a tough situation," I said, "he was the man you loved some time ago. You thought you could trust him. You did trust him. Then you realized how bad he was for you, and things happened to you. Things changed both of you, and it's okay to still have some of that caring in your heart. Link's father and I are different from you and Ryan, but there's part of me that still cares for him too sometimes, no matter how many times we fought, argued, or went to bed mad. Is it love left over? No. But it's knowing that you once cared about them. It's not messed up. It's strong. Strong that after everything you can still hope for the best for someone outside of your life."
"You should be a philosopher," she chuckled as she looked at me. I laughed and she smiled and hugged me.
"I love you honey," she said.
"I love you too," I said.