izmarit.

this one is different

thats my place so i can do whatever i want, right? im gonna translate only the first part. so i realized that explaining this side of me in english is much easier and it describes what i feel better so i wanted to give it a try. this might be the only chapter that im gonna write in english idk im not sure. lastly my knowledge of english is not the best and im really not so assertive about this. anyways here we go.

burası benim alanım yani istediğimi yapabilirim değil mi? (bölümün sadece bu kısmını çevireceğim.) bu, daha duygusal/derin, yönümü ingilizcede açıklamanın daha kolay ve daha doğru olduğunu fark ettim ve denemek istedim. bu ingilizce yazdığım tek bölüm olabilir bilmiyorum emin değilim pek. son olarak ingilizce bilgim mükemmel değil ve bu konuda çok iddalı vs. de değilim. herneyse bu kadardı.

i feel kinda numb lately. i mean its not a new thing but its more deep now. everthing i do seems more unnecessary and pointless. i sometimes feel like im not the one whos living it. like im watching my body staying alive from 6ft apart. i can laugh normally. u already know i cant cry. i cant feel any passion about anything and nothing makes any sense. why am i doing this why am i not enjoying the things that used to be the only things make me happy. i hate it here i hate living in this reality. im having so many realizations and it hurts mostly. i dont even know what i believe anymore. everything is such a pain and my bathroom is not my safe place anymore. i have nothing left. i dont want pity i dont even deserve it. i dont need attention i tried to talk w some people their attention does not make me feel any better. it makes me feel guilty. i feel guilty for being like this and seeking their attention and time for nothing. A LITERAL NOTHING. it doesnt matter if i exist or not. i dont even have a feature. i cant see me doing a job living in an apartment with my family. im fucking useless and this makes me sick. im havin weird dreams and even that makes me feel bad bc i know even the weirdest ones are better than my own life in here. i fucking hate my brain for being like this. i just want to go and never come back. not another house or city. even not another country. i want to go to another reality idk maybe a different life. nothing about me is good and i cant change that. so i want to escape. escape from me.

thank u for reading even if u didnt.