Love/Hate

Stockholm syndrome.

At 2 I wake Kieran.

He wakes with protest.

As I mention to go alone to the appointment so he can sleep he wakes up.

I leave him alone to dress.

We meet at the front door.

"Siobhan, we're going now."

I shout.

"Alright, take care kiddos."

As I close the front door, Kieran waits in front of a car.

"That's yours?"

He shakes his head.

"Nah, my mom's"

We enter the car and Kieran starts driving.

"What's the address?"

I tell him and he maneuvers the car into the right direction. 

We sit in silence.

As if we both try to figure out our thoughts. 

I for sure know how confused I am.

I throw a look at Kieran.

He is contracted on driving his gaze fixed on the road.

We arrive at Lisa's office after 15 minutes of driving. 

"I'll stay here."

Kieran says as I'm stepping out of the car.

He does too.

"Why? You can wait in the waiting room."

"Nah, I'll wait here."

He says.

"Alright."

I leave him alone and enter the building.

Lisa's praxis is a spacious place.

She decorated it with a lot of sense of decor. 

I tell the accountant that I'm here for my appointment.

She nodds and sends me directly into Lisa's office.

"Hey Cassidy."

Lisa greets me, smiling.

I smile back and close the door.

Lisa is siting in her chair. 

I sit across from her in a really comfortable chair. 

"So anything you want to tell me?"

I gather my strength I have to tell her a lot.

"Kieran's back, Lisa."

I start.

She looks shocked.

Her eyes a bulging out a little bit.

"He came home? How do you feel about that?"

She already knows that Siobhan is his mother and that he send me to her. 

"I.. I honestly felt relief. Relief that he came back home to his mother. On the other hand I felt scared. But that lessend. I thought Siobhan would want me to go. But she hasn't mentioned anything into the direction.  I just... I just want..."

I stop trying to gather my thoughts.

Lisa doesn't say anything.

She wants me too continue. 

"Lisa I've have to tell you something. As much as I hate Kieran, as much as I despise him. That much I love him too. I know it's not right but I can't help it. He.. He just, he just made everything bearable."

I stop again. 

Thinking of Kieran who is waiting for me in his mother's car.

"Is that wrong, Lisa?"

"I suspected that much, Cassidy. The way you talk about him. No Cassidy it's not that abnormal. There a lot of people who feel empathy or sympathy for their captors. It's called Stockholm syndorme."

Stockholm syndrome?

Empathy?

Sympathy?

But I feel something entirely different.

"It's a psychological condition. Cassidy, the feeling you described goes into the direction of Stockholm syndrome. But as far as I can gather it sounds like you like Kieran."

I like him.

But I always liked him.

I never denied my feelings for him.

I always felt the same.

"I know. What should I do?"

"Cassidy, that's your decision to make. I only can give you advice on basis of your psychological condition. You should talk to Kieran."

We continue talking about different things. But my mind is preoccupied with something else. 

I have to tell him.

Maybe that I can move on.

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A/N sorry for the shitty quality of the song. Couldn't find any other :(