Love/Hate

Happy.

Since yesterday Kieran and I have been all over each other.

It's 1 pm right now.

Siobhan left grocery shopping.

Kieran and lay on the couch.

His head on my lap.

We are watching tv.

I love reality tv.

Right now we're watching Real Housewives and I'm laughing my ass off.

I think Kieran fell asleep as soon as the wives opened their mouths.

Since yesterday I feel giddy.

Of course I'm doubtful about a lot of things.

And sometimes my mind goes to that black space that I can't forget.

Then I'm surrounded by dark walls. And windows that are hidden away.

His mother doesn't know our changed relationship status.

I can't believe it myself.

I take Kieran's hand into my mine.

His hand is masculine and veins are visible.

I follow them to his arm.

Drawing small circles.

His hair is a dishelved mess since he always messes it up.

I put his hand on his stomach and straighten his hair. The brown stands feel soft and silky in my fingers.

He really is beautiful.

I've always thought that.

"You're having fun?"

Kieran smiles his eyes still closed.

"Hmm."

I hum.

"Isn't this harassment?"

"Why should it be?"

"You didn't ask my permission?"

He opens his eyes.

Amusement written in his features.

"Oh excuse me, Mr O'Connor may I touch your hair?"

Kieran laughs out.

"You may."

So I continue.

"You have a lot of freckles."

Kieran reaches out and touches my cheeks.

"I do."

I take this hand into my mine and intertwine them.

He squeezes my hand.

"Come lay down with me."

Kieran says.

I do.

My head resting on his shoulder.

We fall asleep.

I wake up disoriented.

The tv is off.

There is light in the kitchen.

I guess Siobhan is back.

Kieran still is asleep next to me.

I step into the kitchen.

"Hey Siobhan."

Siobhan is sitting at the table, reading.

"You two looked pretty cozy."

She says accusingly.

"Are you angry at me?"

"What do you expect Cassidy? To find my son and you in a tight earache looking very much like a couple?"

"I'm sorry Siobhan..."

I start until Siobhan breaks out smiling.

"I'm just joking. I had you two already figured out. Kieran never showed interest in girls. But the minute he came home his only concern was you. And Cassidy you are a open book. Your innocence and your goodness. I couldn't wish for a better person on my son's side."

My eyes get teary.

Suddenly Kieran is at my side. Putting his arm around my waist.

"I knew you wouldn't mind mom."

Siobhan smiles to him.

"Let's go."

We're sitting on the couch again.

"Where to?"

"I want you to meet my dad."

I nod.

And here we are.

Standing in front of a grave stone.
James Patrick O'Connor
Born: 08.23.1969
Death: 02.26.1999

A loving son.
A loving husband.
A loving father.

"He died two days after my birthday."

"I'm sorry Kieran."

"Don't. You experiences worse. All because of me. I'm happy that you forgave me."

"Kieran I felt something for you the first moment I saw you."

He kisses my forehead.

"Everything will be better I promise."

And what Kieran promises he keeps.