Love/Hate

Smile.

I'm still walking.

I imagine myself at a beach.

The sound of the ocean that I to recreate without a concrete image of it.

My memories about myself vanished.

But I remember certain things.

Birds.

Oceans.

Lakes.

Nature is the only thing keeping me sane.

I try to hold on those abstract images as powerful as I can.

So much was already taken from me. 

This couldn't vanish. 

I wouldn't let it. 

"What are you doing?"

I turn around.

I didn't notice someone opening the door.

I try to hide my shocked expression.

It's Kieran.

Just the flashlight is in his hand.

I walk up to him.

He staggers.

We never stood eye to eye.

He is quite tall.

But so am I.

"Thank you,"

I smile.

Genuinely.

The blanket.

I won't forget his act of kindness.

Though I should hate him.

A heart warms up.

I look up to his eyes. 

His eyes are a vivid and fierce green.

They're beautiful.

I feel my cheeks getting warm.

For a moment, that feels more like a eternity, we just stare at each other.

Gaze for gaze.

'For what?'

He asks, his voice sounding husky.

I smile.

"For the blanket"

"Oh right. Are you hungry?"

He says.

"Yes very much. You should come more often"

"I'll try"

He averts my gaze.

As if I'm burning him.

My heart is racing.

This never happened.

I can

feel.

I shouldn't feel.

"Wait here. I'll be back in a bit." he storms out of the storage room.

I laugh at his antics.

I laughed?

Is this laughter?

I wait for what seems to be an eternity.

Just as I decide to sit against the wall the door reopens.

"Here. Eat this. I'll be back later" he says coldly.

Something is wrong.

I can feel it. 

Before he left he was somebody I couldn't harm.

But now his cold exterior has returned.

And that I could kill faster than anything.

I take the tray from him.

Just as he closes the door I speak to him.

"You'll come back right?"

He smiles.

Dimples appearing on his cheeks.

"Yes, I promise."

And then he closes the door.

I motion for my corner.

The last tray he brought lays there.

I put the new one next to it.

I sit.

Something flashes my mind.

His smile.

He never smiled.

And I never laughed.

How am I supposed to kill somebody that brings me so much joy and agony at the some time?